What I read: Hour Glass

Yesterday I finished Hour Glass.  I loved it.  It is a memoir of a marriage - a reminder of the strength and fragility of love and life.  The fortune and ill-fortune of our fates set against the backdrop of the fleeting passage of time. 

"We did that gazing when we made love or when one of us was in trouble, but most of the time our gazes met and entrwined as they looked at a third thing.  Third things are essential to marriages, objects or practices or habits or arts or intuitions or games or human beings that provide a site of joint rapture or contentment.   Each member of a couple is separate; the two come together in double attention.  Lovemaking is not a third thing but two-in-one.  John Keats can be a third thing, or the Boston Symphony Orchestra, or Dutch interiors, or Monoply.  For many couples, children are a third thing."   Later in the essay he writes, "sometimes you lose a third thing."  

1.29.19

Traveling by train to NYC today for a meeting and work dinner.  Dropped J off at school - today was a special "dress down" day and my normally tidy Catholic student, looked so casual headed off in his Teen Titans Go shirt and sweatpants!   R is traveling, Lauriene is covering tonight and I will do it tomorrow.  I normally don't jot down the minutia of our life but today it felt right.  My life.  January 2019.   However mundane, life rolls on, comprised of big and little moments.  Travels and Target.  Ordinary and Extraordinary.

I read Hour Glass on the train.   Embedded in the book are various poems and other passages from writers.   This one from page 19:

It could have happened.
It had to happen.
It happened earlier. Later.
Nearer. Farther off.
It happened, but not to you.
You were saved because you were the first.
You were saved because you were the last.
Alone. With others.
On the right. The left.
Because it was raining. Because of the shade.
Because the day was sunny.

You were in luck -- there was a forest.
You were in luck -- there were no trees.
You were in luck -- a rake, a hook, a beam, a brake,
A jamb, a turn, a quarter-inch, an instant . . .

So you're here? Still dizzy from
another dodge, close shave, reprieve?
One hole in the net and you slipped through?
I couldn't be more shocked or
speechless.
Listen,
how your heart pounds inside me.

Wislawa Szymborska

Moments

There are moments that cry out to be fulfilled
Like, telling someone you love them.
Or giving your money away, all of it.

Your heart is beating, isn't it.
You're not in chains, are you?

There is nothing more pathetic than caution
when headlong might save a life,
even, possibly, your own.

Mary Oliver, Moments

Dani Shapiro

Last night I attended a book reading at the Brookline Booksmith with author Dani Shapiro.  I have followed Dani on social media since seeing her on an Oprah episode years ago but didn't know much beyond her Instagram feed.  I had never been to a book reading and don't even think I've been to Coolidge Corner.

As is the case every single time I push myself out of my routine, I am wildly glad I did.  Dani was beautiful - both in her "author-chic" effortless style and her masterful articulation and ability to facilitate a discussion.  The book prompted wonderful discussion of history, medical ethics and what it means to be a family.   I can't wait to read Inheritance.

However, more than Dani and the book, was the satisfaction from an intellectually stimulating night in the city that I am privileged to call home.  The room was at capacity as like-minded men and women arranged to be there on a winter Wednesday evening.   Some likely hired babysitters, others navigated the crowded Green Line and some just showered, brushed their teeth and said - I'm getting off the couch and doing this.  A reminder, like so many activities, that life expands and contracts by your willingness to live it.   A wonderful night with a signed book to remember it by!

“When I think of the wisest people I know, they share one defining trait: curiosity. They turn away from the minutiae of their lives-and focus on the world around them. They are motivated by the desire to explore the unfamiliar. They are drawn toward what they don't understand.”   Dani Shapiro

What I've read: Endurance

Another 2019 completion.  Endurance is the story of  Ernest Shackleton and his crew of 29 that manage isolation and the grueling elements of Antarctica after their boat is trapped and ultimately crushed by the ice.  It was a remarkable story of human capacity, strength and spirit.  The conditions and challenges they overcame are incomprehensible.

Personally, I felt the book was a little tedious at times, as it recounted each storm and tribulation with journalistic precision.  I was glad to have completed it but I give it 4 stars, not 5, and probably would only recommend to a person explicitly looking for a "survival" story.   Nevertheless, a good read and I'm glad to have the historical knowledge and reminder of how capable we are.

“Of all their enemies -- the cold, the ice, the sea -- he feared none more than demoralization.”

“They were for all practical purposes alone in the frozen Antarctic seas. It had been very nearly a year since they had last been in contact with civilization. Nobody in the outside world knew they were in trouble, much less where they were. They had no radio transmitter with which to notify any would-be rescuers, and it is doubtful that any rescuers could have reached them even if they had been able to broadcast an SOS. It was 1915, and there were no helicopters, no Weasels, no Sno-Cats, no suitable planes.  Thus their plight was naked and terrifying in its simplicity. If they were to get out—they had to get themselves out.”   

"In all the world there is no desolation more complete than the polar night. It is a return to the Ice Age— no warmth, no life, no movement. Only those who have experienced it can fully appreciate what it means to be without the sun day after day and week after week. Few men unaccustomed to it can fight off its effects altogether, and it has driven some men mad."

What I've read: Almost Everything - notes on hope

Most years I resolve to read more.  This year is no different.  The first book I finished in two quick sittings between Christmas and New Year's.   Anne Lamott always has something interesting to say, and Almost Everything was no different.   Like sitting down and talking to a seasoned, funny, friend - her tone and wisdom made for a perfect first read of the new year. 

"There were moments when I understood that there was nothing much I was going to understand or figure out.  There was simply the present moment, awareness, impermanence, birdsong, love.  There is no fixing this setup here.  It seems broken and ruining at times, but it isn't: it's simply the nature of human life." 

"I wish good things lasted forever.  That would work best for me.  But God is a lot more subtle than I am comfortable with.  Saint John wrote that God is Love, that anytime you experience kindness and generosity, hope patience and caring you are in the presence of God.  Anytime you express these, you are drawing something I would call God into the world.  That is how ordinary and accessible God is - meals, TV, visits, laughter and especially friendship, which made Kelly share with us the things that finally made her feel safe..." 

Year in Review - 2018

Last year, I wrote this recap of my year.   I liked the exercise as a way to pause and reflect on exactly how much gets done before we set our attention and intentions on new goals.

Here is a quick summary using last year's format.

Travel:
A big one, a good one for me this year!   I took my first SOLO adventure.  Something I've always wanted to do and it did not disappoint, in fact, it highly exceeded my expectations.  Three hours north of Vancouver, I found myself in the most beautiful glamping resort.   I met people from all over the world, rafted on a gorgeous glacial river and remembered that life expands or contracts by our own bravery.  Fantastic!    I also took an unforgettable trip to Big Sur- a place I always wanted to go.  Again, its beauty and the trip exceeded my already high expectations.  I met a new friend, a widow, who reminded me of all the wonderful people out there in the world and spent half the trip with one of my oldest friends, who reminded me how lucky I am to have such deep bonds of friendship. Ventana was everything I dreamed it to be and more and I feel so glad to have experienced it all. 

J and I also took a trip to a new part of Vermont, which we both still talk about.  We had family adventures in Florida and  New Jersey and time with friends in Newport.  I had a beautiful fall weekend in Provincetown (my first trip there) and a once in a life time trip to Montreal.

I feel well traveled and am looking forward to more adventures in 2019.

Life:
I'm getting there!   Little by little, step by step.  This was a year of radical improvement for myself.  I'm learning to be truly comfortable and confident on my own;  I can travel, go to a movie, sit.  While it seems simple, I think it's one of the hardest things - to really be alone with yourself.  And I'm getting there.  Alone doesn't mean lonely, in fact, just the opposite.  If I can master it, it means I will never be lonely.  What a gift.

Art:
Make no doubt about it - Hamilton.  It's Quiet Uptown has been a bit of an anthem for me since seeing the show and the sheer genius of Lin Manuel Miranda has inspired me since. 

Work:
It was a critical professional year for me with two significant promotions.  I am currently the Director of Human Resources for a 100+ person clinical stage biopharmaceutical company.  I completed a course through Cornell on Strategic Human Resources, which challenged me and gave me direction.  I plan to continue to pursue professional growth and development and am enjoying the benefits of my new role.

Parenting: 
This year J began Kindergarten (his real school career!) and turned 6.   My heart is so full watching him thrive.  He continues to be more confident, more creative and more determined as the years pass.  He is doing excellent socially and academically - mastering his handwriting, reading foundations and math.   He looks forward to school every day, has lots of friends in class and loves his weekends!  Watching him move through the world as a secure, kind and fun boy, is all I can ask. 

----

As I reflect on 2018, I am quite proud of the year that I had.  Life, as I'm learning, is a delicate dance of making it happen and letting it happen.  2018 brought professional accomplishment and personal growth.  It was a year of forward progress and joy.   I planted new seeds of hope and look forward to another year of possibility. 

RIP Mary Oliver

Today, poet Mary Oliver died at age 83.   I have included so many of her poems on this blog and her words have brought me comfort and connected me to my humanity.   This morning I pause in gratitude for her life.

When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn; when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse   to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; when death comes like the measle-pox   when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,   I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering: what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?   And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility,   and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular,   and each name a comfortable music in the mouth, tending, as all music does, toward silence,   and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.   When it's over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.   When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real.   I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.   I don't want to end up simply having visited this world
Mary Oliver When Death Comes

Bohemian Rhapsody

Every once in awhile, a movie feels so right!   I saw Bohemian Rhapsody, not once but TWICE, over the Christmas break.  I grew up listening to Queen.  Looking back, we could gage my father's temperament based on what music was playing that day.  Queen evokes happy memories.   I thought I'd see a movie of a flamboyant rock n roll star and the usual rock band quarrels.   Instead, I saw a gorgeous story of a larger than life human being, the love he had for those around him, the sincere goodness, and self-centered weaknesses, of those around him, with some of the best music weaved throughout.   Needless to say, I loved it and after skipping the Oscars for a few years, I look forward to tuning in and rooting for Rami Malek (brilliant!) and the whole cast & crew.

Freddie's relationship with Mary Austin was especially beautiful and unexpected, to me.

Not in the movie but excerpted from a 1985 interview, Mercury said of Austin, 

"All my lovers asked me why they couldn't replace Mary but its simply impossible.  The only friend I've got is Mary, and I don't want anybody else.  To me, she was my common-law wife.  To me, it was a marriage.  We believe in each other and that's enough for me."   

Welcome 38

I've fallen behind here as I was completely laid up with the most violent stomach bug of my life last week but all is well and today I'm back to the land of the living.  I will try and do my 2018 reflection, a 2019 goals and some other traditional year end posting in due time. 

Until then, I celebrated my 38th birthday yesterday.   It feels good!   I'm in a very happy place, secure, loved and moving in the right direction.   I've come along way and look forward to what lies ahead. 

37 gave me a gift I am quite proud of, for the first time in my life I learned how to actually sit with myself.   Not run, not distract, not consume or bluster my way through.  But rather get comfortable with silence and be my own best friend.   Ironically, learning how to do this has led to much more meaningful relationships and I feel my own friendships and bonds are stronger than ever before.  It is a gift, it was hard fought, it is my proud accomplishment.  I am ready for 38. 

"When I get lonely these days, I think: Be lonely.  Learn your way around loneliness.  Make a map of it.  Sit with it, for once in your life.  Welcome to the human experience.  But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings" - Elizabeth Gilbert