On Valentine's Day

I woke up this morning filled to the brim with love and gratitude.  It is Valentine's Day, a day that normally doesn't make me think much beyond remembering to send J's cards in his backpack, and yet today, felt special.   I sent R a note, (reminding him to send said cards!) and also to thank him.  Love comes in many forms. One love that surprises me to no end is a parent's love for child.  R and my love for J is so clear and so evident, it has given us both the strength to manage some frustrations associated with the divorce and put J's needs and well being first.  Our love for J sustains us both and as I've commented here before, while we may not be a traditional family in the sense of living under one roof, we are very much a family bonded by the love and commitment to our little toothless (for now) wonderful human being.

Next was a text to my mom.  Also noted on the blog from time to time, my mother is a rock in J's life and their bond is indisputable.  J has spent Mondays with Grammy since he was an infant and is growing up with the same consistency and dependability that we had in our childhood.  You can be sure Grammy's car is one of the first in the line at school pickup week after week.  And yet, as an adult, I have struggled with my relationship with her at times.  As much as I am a student of introspection and reflection, my mother is not.  She'd rather say something witty, show the kids a silly practical joke and discuss the most recent episode of America's Got Talent.  At times it has frustrated me, when I needed mothering, understanding and more support.  But as I age, I see her love has always been there, just delivered in her way, not necessarily mine.  Today I sent a Happy Valentine's Day text to acknowledge all she does and apologize for the times I am short tempered and impatient with her.  Everyone needs and deserves appreciation and a heartfelt thank you.

And there's my beloved S.  After asking for months to understand myself and my journey, I have realized the depths of his love for me and the rarity of his selflessness.  Our compatibility and relationship is unmatched.  He loved me back to life through dark days but his love does not reside only in the past, I believe there is a future to it, as well.   Together, we are taking yet another leap into the unknown to explore what may await us as a couple.

So, on Valentine's Day, I reflect and consider.  Is love much more than radical empathy - accepting people where they are, leaving space for the difficult intra and extra circumstances that make people behave as they do and doing our part to occasionally give more than we receive?

J was so excited for "Valentimes Day" this year.  Sure, he knew I was wrapping a new lego set and Mama, please put a big pink heart on the wrapping.  Done, son.  Done.  I asked if he knew what Valentine's Day was for and he said, "yes, for loving people."    Maybe this silly day is actually one of the most important of all.   More love, more softness, more forgiveness.  Today, every day.



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Namesake

My little Joseph.  Named for his paternal grandfather, Jose, a man with incredible character, dignity, brains and even disposition.  A man who watched the Oscars with his sons every year in Brazil and taught them to dream big dreams.  A man who instilled and fostered a sense of global curiosity and fearless in his son, and the reason, most likely he traveled the world and met me and J was born.  I am proud to honor him in the way that we have. 

There is another remarkable Joseph.  Joseph Campbell.   A few of his greatest words here for our records. 

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are"

"If the path before you is clear, you're probably on someone else's"

"Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls"

“You enter the forest
at the darkest point,
where there is no path.

Where there is a way or path,
it is someone else's path.
You are not on your own path.

If you follow someone else's way,
you are not going to realize
your potential.”   - The Hero's Journey 

Caught myself

The other day I was describing a successful, pretty quasi-famous woman - I said, "she seems like a b*tch".   and just then, I caught myself in a very typical and hard to break habit.  Why is it because a woman is attractive, confident and sure of herself - do we (women, likely more than men) say something derogatory.   Why can't we say - I aspire to be like her.  Or, I wonder if she's as secure as she seems, if so, how wonderful, that must have been a lot of work.

I believe Oprah, Brene Brown and others are probably at a slight advantage since they are heavier than average.  It makes them less threatening to women.  When you see a very attractive woman, why is the instinct to try and cut her down.   Find a fault.  Assume the worst.

I caught myself, and will keep catching myself.   Instead, I want to replace that knee jerk response with something positive. 

Wine 101

Last night I took the Wine 101 class at the Formaggio Annex.  Taking a class through Formaggio is something I've wanted to do for awhile but they sell out quickly and for this one I booked in December.   I understand why they're popular, it was a very informative and enjoyable 2 hour session and I wouldn't hesitate to take another class they offered.   A few things I learned worth noting:

- Sparkling wine and champagne will not explode if properly chilled.
- Estate wines have been grown and made by the same group.
- Many European wines have a multi-page manual which specifies where and how a wine must be made to qualify with a particular label.
- It is better to describe a wine by BFAST (bold, fruity, acidity, sweetness and texture) than by grape varietal.
- To improve your palette, you should try and drink two wines side by side.  This will help you discern what you like and why.

I learned that I like low-acidity and light bodied reds, which explains why Riojas are often my choice!

S-Town

A few weeks ago I revisited the "story-telling" podcast genre and finished S-Town.   I really enjoyed it and found the depth of character and place (small town Alabama) quite compelling.   As someone who works in a lucrative industry and lives in a progressive city and state, I think it's critical to expose myself to people who's circumstances, values and cultures are different than my own.  Like a good book, upon its conclusion S-Town left me with a greater sense of empathy and a lot to consider. 
These little reminders are out there, hidden in crannies around the world. I recently happened upon a sundial in the cemetery of an old Catholic mission next to a grave. Because of John, I knew to look for the motto. It read, "Nil boni hodie. Diem perdidi." "I did nothing good today. I have lost a day." 

"Intimacy is the feeling that I can tell another person my thoughts and my behaviors without fear of judgment.  If I can tell them the things that I've done - even the things I'm not proud of - and they're still gonna answer the phone and say, "Hey Olin, how you gettin' along?" - and that's how John would do, say, 'How you gettin' along?' So we did have a close friendship there."  

Hobbies

A hobby is defined as something done in your leisure time that brings you pleasure.   In my 20's, although seemingly free of most obligation, I found myself filled with anxiety about what *should* I be doing - everyone, it seemed, was contemplating careers, graduate school, future spouses, cross country moves.

I vividly recall many discussions with my roommates, "we need hobbies".   My definition of hobbies was too narrow - golf, yoga, running, photography.  I could do them but none of them brought my significant joy.  I exercise because I see the value in it and there are days and classes when I'm very energized, but more often exercise is a dutiful obligation.

Move forward to 2019 and I could now list a few hobbies; things I do in my leisure time that bring me pleasure.  Maintaining this blog / writing.  Going to a bookstore.  Perusing a small grocery store like Formaggio.   Listening to podcasts.  Reading social psychology.  Trying many small plates while sitting at a bar with a good friend.  Attending a workshop on a topic unknown to me.  Taking a hike and following it with an indulgent meal or beer.  Playing cards or a board game.  Planning a trip. 

None of these fit in my 20-something definition.  I suppose I was imagining the hobby section of Barnes & Noble and wanted something with a magazine I could subscribe to.   A reminder to think outside of the self-imposed constraints.  Question yourself and your assumptions. 

   

Love, Clark

We had birthday parties, a trampoline playdate and a Superbowl party over the weekend.   Lots of excitement and friends.   You asked me how to spell Clark Kent from your spot in the living room.  I wasn't exactly sure why you asked for but then I saw that you were working on the card for Levi's 1st birthday.   You told me you wanted to sign it this way so he wouldn't be able to guess who it was from! 

....you also got frustrated when one of your neighbor friends told you "the Hulk isn't awesome".    But later, "she changed her mind."

I love you more than anything little J.