On Adulthood

An excerpt from Toni Morrison's commencement speech at Wellesley.
I've written before about my feelings on nostalgia.  I think it's human nature to remember the past as being better than it was.  I remember vividly chatting late at night with high school friends about what our lives would eventually be like.  And here I am.  I like to think that I have consciously lived into that dream.  I try to pause when I catch a moment of my beautiful son.  When my husband makes me laugh.  When I pull up to the house that we so proudly purchased.  These were all dreams of that teenager.  I can say that I reject the notion that the best days have gone...   Adulthood is a lot of work. When compared to the work of childhood: crawling -> walking -> running; speaking -> making friends ->forming relationships - maybe it's less daunting but unlike childhood the work of adulthood is really a very personal journey.  There is no formula to follow.  But a commitment to the work of your own pursuit of a life you dream of, yields a really rewarding gift.

"I’m sure you have been told that this is the best time of your life. It may be. But if it’s true that this is the best time of your life, if you have already lived or are now living at this age the best years, or if the next few turn out to be the best, then you have my condolences. Because you’ll want to remain here, stuck in these so-called best years, never maturing, wanting only to look, to feel and be the adolescent that whole industries are devoted to forcing you to remain.

One more flawless article of clothing, one more elaborate toy, the truly perfect diet, the harmless but necessary drug, the almost final elective surgery, the ultimate cosmetic-all designed to maintain hunger for stasis. While children are being eroticized into adults, adults are being exoticized into eternal juvenilia. I know that happiness has been the real, if covert, target of your labors here, your choices of companions, of the profession that you will enter. You deserve it and I want you to gain it, everybody should. But if that’s all you have on your mind, then you do have my sympathy, and if these are indeed the best years of your life, you do have my condolences because there is nothing, believe me, more satisfying, more gratifying than true adulthood. The adulthood that is the span of life before you. The process of becoming one is not inevitable. Its achievement is a difficult beauty, an intensely hard won glory, which commercial forces and cultural vapidity should not be permitted to deprive you of."

Settling In

I haven't forgot about this space.  Far from it.  I'm just settling into my new gig and trying to figure out new schedules.   But I credit NTL for an enormous shift in my life; this space has really been useful in helping me create intention and sort through some of my "stuff", so I have full interest in keeping it going.....strong.

In that regard, how about a post about inspiring people?   To me, being in the presence of doers is critical to my mental health.  Personally, my husband is a constant inspiration.   He fearlessly goes after the life he wants and is action driven.   He says, "yes".   I find friends who live intentionally and actively seek solutions to their problems, to be the ones I most enjoy spending time with....   Professionally, I have had the privilege to work for some brilliant leaders.   Whether it's transference of energy or simple inspiration, I do my best work when I am under the leadership of someone who is connected to their mission and thinks big.   I am most excited about my new opportunity because I believe in the person leading our group.  I believe he can execute his vision and I am really motivated to be a part of it.

"Each person shines with his or her own light.  No two flames are alike.  There are big flames and little flames, flames of every color.   Some people's flames are so still they don't even flicker in the wind, while others have wild flames that fill the air with sparks.   Some foolish flames neither burn nor shed light, but others blaze with life so fiercely that you can't look at them without blinking, and if you approach you shine in the fire." - Eduardo Galeano. 

(image)

connecting the dots...

Two and a half years ago I started this space.  As I've said several times, I'm grateful for it.  It has become a morning ritual which I enjoy, an online journal and safe place for some of my favorite images, quotes and excerpts and a place to very gently work through the tangled mess of my mind. 

Years ago I read Joslyn's thoughts on simplicity.   I've spoken about it here quite a bit but it's also never been far from my thoughts.   In this world of so much abundance --- how does one quiet the mind?  I think the answer is a combination of gratitude and simplicity.  Thankful hearts for what we have and a simple and clear vision for reaching what we'd like to see more of.    The abysss of the internet with it's thousands, no millions, of articles, youtube clips, pinterest pics etc. can leave even the most focused person wondering if they in fact are struggling with an adult form of attention deficit disorder! 

But one of the ideas I started this blog with was the famous line from Steve Jobs, "You can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path."

And that's what I've been doing.  Gathering the dots.  Curating what I like, what makes me excited, what I come back to time and time again.   I can say with certainty, that I'm beginning to create an image out of these dots I've been gathering.   I thank this blog space for helping facilitate that.  

(image)

Love Via Lou Reed

Sunday was our anniversary.  Seven years of marriage, eleven years together.   Wow.   How is that possible?!   Before I know it, I will have spent as much time with my husband as without.   Our life and relationship isn't without challenges, but who's is?  I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  I'm proud of the life we're building, the parents we are, the problems we've overcome and the future that lies ahead...

I am married to a wonderful man - who helps me be a better version of myself and together we are working towards  the life of our dreams ~*   

On a related note, did you see this Farewell lovestory written by Lou Reed's widow.   It is hauntingly beautiful.  A few excerpts here, but I highly recommend you read the whole thing. 

"...Lou and I played music together, became best friends and then soul mates, traveled, listened to and criticized each other's work, studied things together (butterfly hunting, meditation, kayaking). We made up ridiculous jokes; stopped smoking 20 times; fought; learned to hold our breath underwater; went to Africa; sang opera in elevators; made friends with unlikely people; followed each other on tour when we could; got a sweet piano-playing dog; shared a house that was separate from our own places; protected and loved each other. We were always seeing a lot of art and music and plays and shows, and I watched as he loved and appreciated other artists and musicians. He was always so generous. He knew how hard it was to do. We loved our life in the West Village and our friends; and in all, we did the best we could do.

Like many couples, we each constructed ways to be – strategies, and sometimes compromises, that would enable us to be part of a pair. Sometimes we lost a bit more than we were able to give, or gave up way too much, or felt abandoned. Sometimes we got really angry. But even when I was mad, I was never bored. We learned to forgive each other. And somehow, for 21 years, we tangled our minds and hearts together.

....Lou was sick for the last couple of years.   As meditators, we had prepared for this – how to move the energy up from the belly and into the heart and out through the head. I have never seen an expression as full of wonder as Lou's as he died. His hands were doing the water-flowing 21-form of tai chi. His eyes were wide open. I was holding in my arms the person I loved the most in the world, and talking to him as he died. His heart stopped. He wasn't afraid. I had gotten to walk with him to the end of the world. Life – so beautiful, painful and dazzling – does not get better than that. And death? I believe that the purpose of death is the release of love.

At the moment, I have only the greatest happiness and I am so proud of the way he lived and died, of his incredible power and grace.

I'm sure he will come to me in my dreams and will seem to be alive again. And I am suddenly standing here by myself stunned and grateful. How strange, exciting and miraculous that we can change each other so much, love each other so much through our words and music and our real lives."

(image)

Back at it

There's so much I want to say here about my maternity leave.  I've only been back to work for a day and a half and my leave is already feeling like a distant memory.   I'm promising myself to make a post reflecting on the time I got to spend home with Baby J before my recollection of it fades too much.

In the meantime, there's also so many little tidbits that I've been meaning to post here.  As I say all the time, I do this site for me.  It's a great way to keep track of my life, favorite articles, nice quotes, inspiring photos etc.   So here's something that seemed especially relevent yesterday, my first day back (quoted and paraphrased from this article via Cup of Jo)

---- It should go without saying, but somehow it doesn’t in our media culture: Raising children is highly personal. It’s the nexus of everything unique about your life: Your goals, your relationship with your spouse, your child’s needs, and even your religious beliefs.

….Some women have very engaged husbands, some have husbands who are never alone with their kids. Some women’s careers — even if demanding — can be location-flexible; others cannot. Some require travel, and some women can travel well pregnant, and others have harder pregnancies. Some women are lucky enough to have easy children, some have children who don’t sleep and scream all night. If you don’t think these little realities of life are very real factors in achieving work-life balance, what is?

Beyond that, everyone’s definition of “having it all” varies. For me, it’s building a company, being there for my employees, having a healthy relationship with my husband, and raising my kids. That’s pretty much it. It’ll take me a long time to lose baby weight, because my schedule doesn’t give me much time to work out. I don’t take vacations. I don’t have a group of tight girlfriends, or really many friends that I see regularly at all. My kids will not go to the most exclusive private school, because we can’t afford it.

Quitting my job to work at a startup meant almost no disposable income and even less time.  Those are all trade-offs I gladly and willingly made before starting my company. But to another woman “having it all” might include a 9,000 square foot house and a designer closet. To another woman, “having it all” might include never missing a child’s haircut. To me, it does not.

… Are we all supposed to be the same person just because we are the same gender?

When people have asked how I’ve balanced starting a company with being pregnant and having a one-year-old, I’m happy to share my experience. But I always couch that the reasons it works for me are highly specific to who I am, who my husband is, and what we both do for a living. To a large degree, we’ve shaped the world around the lives we want to have. We weren’t able to do that because we’re rich (as a writer and a photographer, we’re as solidly California middle-class as you can get). We did it because we prioritized what really mattered to us and didn’t accept people like Slaughter telling us what we couldn’t do.

making that work in practice is a crazy quilt of a million little learned tricks and uniquenesses to my particular situation, my personality, my job, and my marriage. It’s not meant as a blueprint for anyone but me.