My Labor of Love

This year it was all about Legos!   They've brought you so much joy --- you build the sets and then have so much imaginative play to go along with it.  It's really fun to watch.  I love your tenacity and focus as you build something new and then your wild and crystal clear imagination as you turn a bank truck into the bad guy's vehicle, steal the jewels and make your great escape. 

You asked Santa for two sets: the Thanos set was your highest priority and your Mountain Police Headquarters was the one you asked for the longest and with the most consistency.  Lucky you, Santa brought both!

Yesterday, we lounged in our pajamas and we built the Headquarters.   A triple-decker ensemble with so many details - the espresso machine, the security camera, the bed for the prisoner.  You were so happy that I was building it with you / for you.   A reminder as we bustle through this busy time that what you really want from me is my authentic attention.  As with any labor of love, there was an energy in the room that morning in which I knew you felt your mama's immense love.  Santa may have delivered the Legos, but we created the magic.

Merry Christmas, Little J. 

You Start Dying Slowly

A beautiful poem to bring us into the New Year...

“You start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself.

You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.

You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths…
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours
Or you do not speak to those you don’t know.

You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.

You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice.”

― Martha Medeiros (mistakenly attributed to Pablo Neruda by many....   Medeiros is a Brazilian female poet)

Brainpickings

Brain Pickings is in its 12th year.  I think I've been a sporadic visitor for close to 10.  I don't know how she does it.... but I am glad she does.   In an early 2019 resolution to read more, I finished 100 pages of Anne Lamott's Almost Everything this morning.   Maria talks about it in her favorite books of 2018 and also mentions some others which have caught my attention:   How beautiful is this line.... just in time for a new year full of things that have never been. 

“To be a good human being,” philosopher Martha Nussbaum observed, “is to have a kind of openness to the world, an ability to trust uncertain things beyond your own control”

(image)

Christmas 2018

The sun is bright and shining into the apartment, legos are still scattered throughout, Santa's cookie crumbs are still next to the tree and my heart is full.   Christmas 2018 is behind us and it was a wonderful season of joy.   A few days ago, I read: at first: impossible, then difficult, then strange, then normal, finally: wouldn't have it any other way.   It resonated so loudly about the shape of our family and my own path towards wholeness.   This season we seemed to have entered Normal.   Slowly, we begin little traditions - the cousins are up for a Christmas extravagnza in mid-December,  friends & neighbors in the days before the holiday (bowling and crafts and caroling!), and Christmas Day a an easy day in our pajamas for me, J and my parents.   I thank God for his little sweet soul because he brings so much into all of our lives and although Christmas may look different than what I thought - it is perfectly peaceful, calm and happy.  It is so much more than enough. 

This morning the house is quiet and I have a few minutes to pause and reflect.  I feel good.  Life feels good.  I have plans. I have hopes.  I have presence. I have acceptance.  I put an iWatch under the tree from Santa to Mama.   I felt J wasn't the only one who had been good all year.  Moms, not only divorced ones, do so much unrecognized work at Christmas and always.  It felt good to give myself a treat. 

Very spiritual, but not much of a Bible reader, I saw this on a blog I follow the other day:

This morning, I read a few simple words in Luke.⠀

One line. Just one portion of a bigger birth story, a simple pause that follows a long and grueling labor of love and light, of hope and humanity:⠀

⠀

“Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself.“⠀

⠀

And I understood one small thing: that invisible work is never invisible. We get to keep it. To hold dear, to hold deep, to carry within ourselves.⠀

How lovely to remember.  The work is never invisible if we do it with love.  As I wrote Christmas cards and organized teacher gifts and helped a neighbor who's husband is sick, I felt lucky that I have the resources, energy and health to do it.  To give freely, without reciprocity or praise, is a joy.  This Christmas, I was filled with the true spirit of the season and it was a very good one. 

Christmas in the City!

I spent a fantastic weekend volunteering with Christmas in the City!   The organization brings a Christmas wonderland to the Boston Convention Center and provides 4,000 kids and their families with a super special day.    On Saturday we prepped the party room and the gifts and on Sunday the children arrived to a winter wonderland spectacular - with a complete carnival, crafts, visiting characters, and their own special gift and backpack to take home.

All in all, it was magical.  The children had a day that they'll never forget and I was so grateful to be able to use my time and good fortune to help deliver something so special.

I was reminded of the great Margaret Meade quote, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has"

Teacher Gift

One of my favorite gifting website's is Sarah and Abraham.  I love giving the mealtime sets to a new baby (Joe's set is still going very strong 6 years later!) and the teachers note pads are just the thing with a gift card or cash.   Shipping is always fast and the product quality never disappoints!

Easy Lunch

I've been on a healthier kick these days.  With a tiny bit of thinking ahead and an extra minute in the morning, I can put together a really healthy, really tasty lunch for the office.

Lately it's been: roasted vegetables (whatever I happen to buy), arugula, goat cheese and some stuffed grape leaves or hard boiled eggs (or both).   Writing here so I remember how simple it is!

Attributes of a good friend

:: They feel like home
:: They are honest with you
:: They remind you of your power
:: They support you in your healing
:: They have a rejuvenating presence
:: They hold a vision of your success
:: They support you in new adventures
:: They lift you up with joy and laughter
:: They bring out the best version of you

Yung Pueblo

Christmas Weekend

Another successful family Christmas weekend!   We celebrate a little early now - to accomodate the New Jersey schedules and the large family party.    Joe was all smiles as he celebrated, slept over, sang and played with his favorite cousins!

What I learned...

Although my career hasn't been a straight forward path, I am pleased to be where I am today and I've learned a lot along the way.  If my lessons help anyone else, I'm very glad to share.   A few off the top of my head:

1. Your career is a long game.  Have a plan for where you see yourself in 5 years.  Remember, even the best of circumstances and teams WILL change.  Be prepared for that change by continuing to grow, learn and broaden your network.

2.  Do not burn bridges.  Industries are small and your reputation is important.  People understand that things don't always work out, but do your best to maintain relationships with former colleagues.

3.  Self-motivate.  Just because someone isn't asking for a task to be done, doesn't mean there's not work to do. 

4.  Be useful.  Always.

5.  Your opinion matters, but only sometimes.  People know more than they may vocalize.   You don't have to say everything you think.

I want to go to that place!

Joe and I play a game with the backdrops that come on when the tv is in idle --- like the computer screensavers, they show pictures from all over the world and we race to say "I want to go to that place!!"   Since there are so many places I want to go, I figured I could start a little series here on the blog.

I.  This glamping spot at Slippery Rock Trails in Maine.   Hopefully this summer!!!

https://www.hipcamp.com/maine/slippery-rock-trails/camping-shelter-with-relaxing-views

Hamilton

Broadway's Hamilton came to Boston this fall and on a whim, I bought tickets and went to a Saturday matinee.  I didn't know what to expect - a rap about a founding U.S. father, let's see what all the buzz is about.   Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't but since it's such a highly touted work and I have the time and resources, let's see.

Well, I LOVED it.  I truly felt like I had witnessed one of those larger than human life works of art; the same feeling I had when inside the Sagrada Familia years ago.  How is a person capable of this genius??!!   To me, masterpieces like that feel spiritual.  There is something superhuman in their creation.  

Inevitably, I have been listening to a few of the songs - That would be enough, Dear Theodosia, It's Quiet Uptown, Who Lives, who dies, who tells your story - since seeing the production and the beautiful lyrics never get old.  That random Saturday morning decision was such a good one!! 

One of my favorites

"Complaining is not a strategy.  You have to work with the world as you find it, not as you would have it to be" - Jeff Bezos

amen.

Motion

"Every day, you reinvent yourself.  You're always in motion.  But you decide every day: forward or backward." - James Altucher

I'm pleased to say, this has been a forward year for me.  I've done things I've never done before and in many ways feel stronger than I ever have before.  There's more work to do, always, but I'm confident and grateful to be going in the right direction.

Here I am at Point Lobos State Park in Carmel California.  It was a stunning hike along the Pacific coast that I did on my own.  Other than my first trip to the Northwest in 2011, I had not done much hiking before this year.  But my new hobby has grown quite enjoyable and I look forward to much more! 

Friends

I have been blessed with a life full of wonderful friends!   Friends from elementary school remain some of my closest and since then I've added with college friends, work friends and "mom" friends.  I think being able to have a friend and BE a friend is one of the single most important things we can learn and I'm so grateful when I see J starting to form true friendships.

This picture from his party warms my heart!  My boy with his pals Owen, Shuvam and Jacob - each of them feeling so comfortable in their own imaginative young boy skin - no judgement, pure freedom with each other.   One of life's greatest blessings.

What is a friend? I will tell you… it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself. - Frank Cane

6!!

Just like that, you turned 6 years old!    We had so much fun celebrating YOU.   Your favorite things are legos, the color red, Imagine Dragons (Thunder and Believer), and nerf guns!   We celebrated with a Nerf battle at daddy's gym on your actual birthday, followed by a party at the Trampoline place on Sunday where 12 of your closest friends (from school, camp, life....) gathered to wish you well.  It was such a special time and you were beaming with joy! 

You're growing up, little man!  And it's so exciting to be on this journey with you.

 

November Rain

I've been slowly getting back to some things I used to love.   My spin classes in Woburn, formerly Fithouse, is one of them.   It feels so good to zone out, listen to the music, (try) to ride to the beat and leave with a nice sweat. 

My favorite is always, and has always been, the post-arm song.  It's usually more reflective and after all the choreography and then burning out our arms, it feels good to have a song just for you.  My very first class there was 12/31/13 and the song was Carry On by Fun.  My boy was just over 1 years old, we had been thru a grueling 13 months and I will never forget tearing up for this song during the ride. 

Last night (in a Rock themed class) we heard Guns N Roses, November Rain.  It's been a cold, rainy November week and the song was about someone needing time to themselves.  It felt so good.  For the first time in 37 years I am truly ready for some time alone.  Like Axel says, everybody needs some time on their own.....

Dining in Big Sur

A few more posts to commemorate a fantastic trip!    The dining in Big Sur was superb.  Each restaurant had it's own unique and funky vibe exuding California Cool.

Dining at Ventana:
  I had two meals at the bar in the dining room.  Service was great, warm & friendly servers, nice wine list and a fantastic roasted squash entree one evening.  I also enjoyed breakfast on the stunning patio on two mornings.  While the dining was good - relative to the rest of the Ventana experience, I would say they do hospitality and style better than they do food. 

Deetjen's:
  Located at the Big Sur Inn, Deetjen's is on the non-coastal side of Rt. 1 in a completely bohemian bungalow style compoud.  Very eclectic and quirky with a lot of soul.   Breakfast was good.

Big Sur Bakery:
  Lovely little spot with out of this world baked goods and a nice dinner menu, too.  Warm, hospitable and the gardens are fantastic.  Loved it.  Reservations are recommended for the evening and we made it to breakfast before a really long line formed! 

Nepenthe:
   Fantastic!  We ate on the enormous terrace for lunch, with views of the mountains and a very laid back family friendly vibe with kids playing around outside.   Dinner was a different atmosphere, dimly lit, moody, with large candlesticks on every table and a gorgeous fire pit.   Like all of Big Sur, service was friendly and spot on. 

Big Sur

Returning from the paradise that is Big Sur.   It was a dream of mine to visit and a dream to stay at Ventana.   Both came true and were beyond expectation!    Magical.....

On soft Spring nights I'll stand in the yard under the stars - Something good will come out of all things yet - And it will be golden and eternal just like that - There's no need to say another word. - Jack Kerouac, Big Sur

Done!

In the beginning of 2018, I set "intention" as my word.  I wanted to live the year purposefully.   A lack of planning and dedicated focus is a bad habit I slip into and I wanted to improve.  My first goal was to begin building a true career - something I could be proud of and something that felt in line with my self-worth.   In April, I received an important promotion and in October another.  I am proud.  I have worked hard, managed my emotions, people pleased while having firm limits and achieved it.   The promotion was the beginning of the work.  I have the title, very much a hard part of the climb, but now I must contribute and deliver.

To help me do so, I enrolled in a Strategic HR Management course through Cornell.  It was my first formal learning experience in over 15 years and I was challenged.  I took 6 modules and completed probably 100 pages of writing and yesterday I finished!  Again, I am proud.  I am doing it.  I can do hard things. 

This post isn't to boast, but rather to record, for my own future reference, what I can do with a keen focus and concentration.  There's a difference between doing it and talking about it.   I'm doing it.  Onward.

Together

When J was a baby, I was part of a newborn mother's group.   We met once a week and discussed the mundane challenges of our new lives - nursing, lack of sleep, washing bottles, pros and cons of the Snap n Go and Rock N play.  We were exhausted, in love, elated and scared to death as we held these perfect little bundles of life.

One afternoon someone remarked that every day felt the same.  It was winter in Boston and cabin fever and sleep deprivation were setting in.   Another remarked - "although it feels the same, it is not.  We are on a long walk with these children and though we may not always feel like we're making forward progress, time is passing, we are doing it, and every day is another step forward." I needed to hear that then and some days I still do.

A lot has changed since that afternoon.  I am a single mom.  We moved and moved again.  We found a new school, new friends and neighbors, I am working very hard at building a career I am proud of and at the same time - raising you: my truest joy, my biggest challenge.  The love of my life. 

I was introduced to hiking earlier this year and have grown to enjoy it.  I like the peacefulness of nature.  The sense of accomplishment, the scenery, the healthiness of the hobby.   I've tried to slowly introduce you, J, as well.  I dream of it being something we can do together.  At age 5, 15, 25....  I dream of walking with you in foreign, beautiful places.  I hope you will tell me as we walk about a love that you found, a problem you are facing, or an adventure you seek.   I hope I continue to be strong and that my experiences, both painful and joyous, can teach you something.

Over the weekend, we got you your first pair of hiking shoes.  You wore them proudly and well.   We did our first "peak" and you made it to the top of Wright Tower.   I was reminded of my friend's story.  I remembered you swaddled as I listened.  You were so perfect I couldn't believe you were my boy.  Six years later, you walked to the top.  Yes, you stopped to play with lots of sticks.  We looked at the tree stump that had fallen.  You crunched the leaves.  Today you are a boy, filled with curiosity and goodness. Despite our slow and winding pace, we arrived to the top. We continue our journey.  Nothing is today as it was yesterday and before long you won't stop to look at the sticks, you will  walk faster than me.  I will enjoy these days.  As precious and fleeting as the others. 

My wish for you today. "May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view.  May your mountains rise into and above the clouds." - Edward Abbey.

Catching up - fall 2018

I'll try to get caught up here since it's been awhile!   Kindergarten is off to a great start - you are doing so well as you begin your official school career!   Writing all of your numbers and letters with no issues.  Your teachers tell me that you are nice to everyone and always a happy boy --- it is no surprise but still warms my heart to hear.   You tell me about your friends, play legos and battleship at afterschool, and your favorite day is still Monday, when Grammy picks you up! 

We had a fun Halloween - you dressed as The Hulk, did pumpkin carving at Nolan's, had a few parties and we Trick or Treated on Dudley St with our neighbor friends and mom and dad.   I still feel overwhelmed by how much I can love your little soul.  My baby boy, growing, but forever mama's angel. 

Ready to start Kindergarten!

Ice cream in Davis Sq with your friend Shuvam

Doing so well! :)

Halloween party with your good friend, Claire! 

Proud!

With our friends at Linea

My love <3