Collector of quotes

 Even though I haven't been posting, I still have been quietly screen-shot-saving quotes I find along the way.   I'd be surprised if I ever tire of the "YES!" feeling when another human to whom you never will know is able to so precisely articulate your experience.    A reminder that the human experience, though unique, is also quite shared.  

"I hope you find happiness one day.  Not the kind you share in a status update, but the enduring kind.  The quiet happiness that you've never really felt before and yet it feels as if it's always been inside of you, waiting to be found.  Like a house that's say empty for years, waiting for you to turn the lights on.  Waiting to be a home."   JM Storm.    

Hello from Newburyport

 A break on these pages usually implies a lot happening!  And so, here I am with the latest update: a move!  After 3.5 years of being an apartment-renting Cambridge dweller, I have returned to home-ownership and a bit more of a nest.   I purchased a beautiful home a few months ago and am settling in and unwinding into a season of classic New England charm and "town" life - I say town, because having lived in a suburb and more of a city, Newburyport is neither - it's walkable and alive and yet, neighborly and quiet.   A nice place to be.  

As significant changes generally invoke a reflection for me, I have been thinking about this move.  The move from Andover to Cambridge was so important to me and so beautifully necessary.  I needed to decompress.  I needed to not be challenged by suburban norms and home making when I really had no stamina for either.  I needed a place where I felt the status quo was a bit less defined and people a bit more transitory and global.  I found all of that.  I found a piece of myself - I found confidence, I found a new rhythm for Joe and I as a unit of two, I found friends I hope to always have and I found that the "grass isn't always greener" and extremes of political inclination can be exhausting.  It was an exercise in progress of self and when I felt ready, I was once again able to close a chapter.   Life, I'm realizing for me, may be a book of several short chapters rather than one long one.   There is no right way.  

J loves the house and he has a new adjective, "adaptable".   He learned about it in the context of the animal kingdom but I told him that he, too, is adaptable.  My little buddy - he goes with the flow and seems to enjoy each chapter as it comes.  He loves all the space in the new place and calls his 3rd floor "his private island".    

 

In the time of COVID

I paused here because I started to post daily on my social media.  But after 8 weeks, I think I will transition back to this platform. 

Here we are:  homeschooling, social distancing, and taking it day by day.  It's surreal but not catastrophic.  If we can stay healthy and employed, Joe and I will be ok.  Both of us somewhat introverted, we cope relatively easily with the distance and isolation. 

To me, small acts of goodness are an energizer.  The author of this article, speaks my language, and I think both she and I do it because our own life depends on it.   To me, it gives me a rush of good endorphins to know that I have eased the pain of someone in need. 

"We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy" - Joseph Campbell

- Birthday parades have been a fun new additionn to our COVID life.  

- Food insecurity is a major issue as people file for unemployment and deal with job loss.  We try to leave things in the "take what you need" food pantries in Medford. 

- I gave this "care package" to my hair stylist shutting down her salon.  Small business owners and people who can't perform jobs from home have been among the hardest hit. 

- I periodically leave children's toys and gifts on the bench at the housing project in Somerville.  I think kids in unstable homes are likely some of the biggest victims of this pandemic.  For so many, school, not home, is their safe place.  I pray these kids are ok and by leaving periodic gifts, I hope someone smiles and realizes the world is still thinking of them.  

In the Attic....

"Why am I frugal?  You can't buy health and you can't buy love.  I'm a member of every golf club that I want to be a member of.  I'm the highest handicap member of Augusta National.  I'd rather play golf here with people I like than at the fanciest golf course in the world.  I can do anything that I want, and I do.  I buy everything I want to have.  I'm not interested in cars and my goal is not to make people envious.  Don't confuse the cost of living with the standard of living.  Bella Eidenberg was a Polish Jew who was at Auschwitz and some of her family didn't make it.   Twenty years ago she said she was slow to make friends and that the real question in her mind was always, 'Would they hide me?'  If you have a lot of people that would hide you, you've had a very successful life.  That can't be bought.  I know people that have billions of dollars and their children would say, 'he's in the attic....'"   - Warren Buffet

Fiddler on the Roof

We saw Broadway in Boston's production of Fiddler on the Roof last night and it was fantastic!   My dad loved the musical and we grew up with him singing many of the classic hits:  Tradition! Matchmaker..., If I were a rich man....Sunrise, Sunset

The singing, dancing and acting was phenomenal and I smiled through it all - enjoying both the performers and my warm memories of my eclectic father.

A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But here, in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn't easy. You may ask, why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous? Well, we stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in one word: Tradition!

What I read: City of Girls

Catching up on a few overdue posts on what I've read lately.   City of Girls, by Elizabeth Gilbert, was a light-hearted read about an independent young woman in the 1940's trying to be live authentically in New York City. 

It was a little long-winded and I can't say I would recommend the read, that said it had some good lines and I think the message of the book was really summed up with this line:

"at some point in a woman's life, she just gets tired of being ashamed all the time.  After that, she is free to become whoever she truly is." 

Sunday hike

Spent yesterday in the Blue Hills, just south of Boston, enjoying a mid-afternoon day hike.  The temps have been unseasonably warm for February - it was nice to feel the sun on our face, the damp mud under our feet and navigate the ups and downs of the New England terrain.

And stopping into a brewery is my favorite post-hike tradition.   No need to overthink what feels good.

What I read: Maybe you should talk to someone

Maybe you should talk to someone, by Lori Gottlieb.   Written by a therapist, she intertwines stories of being the therapist and being the patient in an interesting book exploring some of the challenges of life.  Unsurprisingly, the challenges people face tend to be universal to the human condition, regardless of how they manifest:  does your life have meaning? are you able to be completely vulnerable with those that love you? what is forgiveness? 

At times the book felt self-indulgent and I wished that she would care a little less about herself, but all together a good and recommend-able read. 

“But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself—to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.”

“peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

“The inability to say no is largely about approval-seeking—people imagine that if they say no, they won’t be loved by others. The inability to say yes, however—to intimacy, a job opportunity, an alcohol program—is more about lack of trust in oneself. Will I mess this up? Will this turn out badly? Isn’t it safer to stay where I am?”

I want to go to this place...

Book marking here for future reference - great spots in the Catskills and Berkshires! 

https://thereset.club/

13 Questions on Love

How many yes's do you get? 

1. You still countdown until your time together

2. Your partner makes you feel safe and comfortable being who you are

3. When you're not together you still have a million things to say or text! 

4. Life has a future and a present. 

5. You're a better person because of the love in your partnership

6. Your partner pushes you to grow

7. You've gotten really good at handling your problems together

8. You've been together for awhile. 

9. You're together for the right reasons despite societal impact or pressure. 

10. You still want to date each other

11. You respect your partner's space but get inside it whenever you want

12. Your partner is loyal and faithful despite ups and downs of the relationship and life's temptations.

13. You cannot conceive a time without the other 

A message to my younger self: let love surprise you.  be receptive and vulnerable.  but listen well and respect yourself.  A healthy love withstands many storms, loses some battles but is our greatest gift.  Do the hard work, it's worth it.  

Jeff Brown

To arrive at this place in my life, I had to overcome so very much. I had to overcome emotionally unwell parents, crippling abandonment issues, childhood poverty, internalized shame and self-doubt. I had to punch my way through endless challenges as I worked to become a lawyer, to let go of law, to surrender to writing as a path. I had to knock on hundreds of thousands of doors in Canadian winters to sell windows so I could afford to write through the night. I had to fight for my right to the light, time and time again, for more than 5 decades.

When people ask me how and why I did it, I only have one answer- Soul. Not masochism, not the need to be acknowledged but, instead, the deep need to fully excavate and actualize my soul’s voice- my reasons for being, my entelechy, what James Hillman called the ‘innate image’. It was like a desperate longing to be who I was called to become in this lifetime. And as difficult as it was to find and live that voice, it was easier than the uncomfortable alternative. It was easier than living a lie.

Wherever you are at on your journey through time, be assured that there is a soul path somewhere at the heart of it. And, as difficult as it may be to see it, as overwhelming as it may seem to embody it, it is well worth the effort. Once you catch a glimpse of it, it will beckon you home, like a fire of divine possibility with your name on it. And that fire… will not only show you the direction to walk, it will fuel you as you overcome the obstacles in the way. It will warm and inspire your every step.

When you walk through the gateway of your sacred purpose, you walk into yourself. Blessingly buffered from the madness of the world, your purpose filters out those relationships and energies that undermine your expansion. Infused with vitality and a clarified focus, new pathways of possibility appear where before there were obstacles. Life still has its challenges, but you interface with them differently, coated in an authenticity of purpose that sees through the veils to what really matters.

Don’t lose the faith, wherever you are on the path. Keep going.

Jeff Brown, author.  

Notchland Inn

Set in the snowy White Mountains of New Hampshire, we found ourselves at the quaint Notchland Inn over the weekend.   I was looking forward to a winter getaway but I really underestimated how beautiful it would be.   The Inn had just the right amount of rustic charm, hospitality and authenticity.  The owners, Les and Ed, were two men who have owned the Inn for 26 years, celebrated 40+ years of being a couple and beyond being Inn keepers, were quite involved in local politics.  We learned about the "midnight vote" and local civics as well as some of the changing pressures facing the community - the effect of airbnb, not only on inns and hotels but on staff housing.  How online booking has changed the economics (note: always book direct!) and more.   We also relaxed by the fire, snowshoed with one of the Inn's dogs, played scrabble, ate well and enjoyed life.

I'll certainly return to the Notchland Inn and consider other properties from Select Registry the next time I'm looking to get away.

Mermaids on a Mission to Save the Oceans

I received Mermaids on a Mission to Save the Oceans as part of MultiCultural Children's Book Day, a movement to bring multicultural children's books to classrooms and libraries.   As a volunteer reviewer, my thoughts are my own but this e-book was donated to me by the author, Janet Balletta.

I enjoyed the children's story and the diversity of the Mermaid council.   Each Mermaid represented a continent and explored some of the unique challenges its oceans are facing.  Within the context of the story, there are many examples of current issues - oil spills, plastic in the water, pollution making the fish we eat sick, melting glaciers etc.   The mermaids are presented a medal of Excellence for the job they're doing to protect the oceans in a story that encourages children to be advocates for the Earth.
I enjoyed the story and thought the teacher's guide at the end provided some insightful questions for children to discuss the book.   I would recommend the story; especially in conjunction with Earth Day or an elementary science lesson.

Simple and true

"You are being presented with two choices: evolve or repeat."  Tracy McMillan

Dad-isms

My dad was a one-of-a-kind, original character in so many senses of the word.  He really marched to his own beat and was very secure.  He was flawed and suffered mental health problems but he did his very best to manage them and I miss him and think about him all the time.

This morning I was texting with my sister a bit and it's impossible not to share some dad stories or "what dad might say".  He was never shy to share his opinions which left us with an ever-lasting benefit, we never have to wonder what Dad thought....

We were chuckling about all the funny things he'd say but truth be told, he had fantastic insight and could get to the root of a problem pretty quickly.   I was laughing as I remembered one phone call with him when he was in Florida a few years ago... in his typical way he'd call "Little Mare (insert Boston accent), how you be!  (he would say these funny expressions.... i don't know where he picked them up or if he made them up... :)   I'm good dad, how are you?   "I'm great.  Just hanging out with my favorite person, myself!!!"    He said it as a joke but there was a lot of truth in there.  He was very sure of himself and could tolerate a low-key life.  He loved interviews on TV and was a voracious reader.   He had a sincere natural curiosity about people and the world around him. He always had yellow legal pads around the house.  His handwriting was so unusual and he attributed it to being left handed but forced to write right-handed by the nuns...   Anyways, this pad had pages of notes from a tv show he was watching with "Wow!" "Amazing!" scribbled in the margins.

Right now I'm grateful I inherited his memory.  I can recall the details of his voice and his energy with precision and I hope that never changes.   ...and I have to say when I call "Little Joe" from across the apartment, I know exactly who I sound like.... 

Anecdote

Many of the lessons I comprehend best, have a small story attached to them.  Parables, were short and simple stories to teach moral or spiritual lessons.  Anecdotes are short stories meant to amuse, disclose the truth or provide a cautionary tale. 

I'm paraphrasing this one from the WSJ, but I thought it was a worthy reminder:

Students at Oxford University protested in the Quad, refusing to leave until the endowment divested all of it's shares in Shell and BP, and now.  The bursar made a counter offer: "I am not able to arrange any divestment at such short notice but I can arrange for gas central heating to be turned off with immediate effect.  Please let me know if you support this proposal."

The angry students thought the bursar was being flippant. It's January, it would be borderline dangerous to shut off central heating."  The bursar's response: "you're right, I am being provocative but I am provoking some clear thinking, I hope.  It is all too easy to request others to do things that carry no personal cost to yourself.  The question is whether you and others are prepared to make personal sacrifices to achieve the goals of environmental improvement (which I support as a goal)."

Raclette

Last night we took advantage of our neighbor's from Switzerland's invitation to join them for Raclette, a traditional Swiss dish.

We talked about all the weekend exploring they've done since they moved here - coastal towns (Cape Cod, Ogunquit, Newport...)  lakes and mountains (VT., the White Mountains) and major cities (NYC, Montreal...) and how much they've enjoyed their time here.

It was a nice reminder of how good we have it!   Not just in where we live but that we've found a community of inclusive and interesting families, a true neighborhood within the small city of Cambridge.   And the warm melted cheese over potatoes, welcome to my life, Raclette!

On hard days

On the hard days, there is an Eataly pizza, my S - who not only is the best listener I know but doesn't question my desire to eat away my stress with the best pizza in Boston even if we already had pizza that week and are trying to eat less pizza (ahem!!!)

 Nothing worth doing is easy but it's nice to be surrounded by people and pizza you love.  Simply grateful.  

Joseph, January 2020

I like to record simple observations about what J is up to these days and when I look at old posts some feel unimaginable and some feel like they were just yesterday.

So, here in the winter of your 7th year, a few things that have you excited:
1. You started piano lessons last week!  You asked to take them and you are so enthusiastic after your first class.  Your music teacher called you a "natural" which made my heart smile!

2.  Still into science.  We did a science enrichment class on MLK weekend and after it was done, you immediately asked if you could sign up again!   You go into the bathroom with your goggles, food coloring and lab equipment and make concoctions!

3.  We finally tried skiing with our friends Brooke and Allison.  Not surprisingly, it's a hard sport for beginners but you did well, had a great attitude and say you'll go again.  I'd like to find time to take you a bit more this winter since consistency really is the name of the game with skiing.

4. You continue to ace your spelling tests.  We have our routine on Thursday night where we take turns being the teacher (giving the quiz) and being the student (taking the quiz).  It's part of our week and our deal is if you do well and are prepared, you can enjoy ipad time on Friday.  You love minecraft! 

5.  Your spirit continues to be positive, grateful, happy and sweet.  I love watching you grow, my angel. 

Blogging

Listened to an excellent interview with Seth Godin and Marie Forleo in which Seth reiterates his recommendation that every person keeps a daily blog.  Watch here 

This page started in 2011 and although the frequency of my posts has decreased, it's value (to me) has not.  I am proud of the work that fills this tiny corner of the internet and am glad to have it.  I'm going to try and get back to more regular posting.

"If day after day, week after week you leave this trail behind of thoughtful examinations of your world, you can't help but get better at whatever it is you seek to do."

Goal met

I started to learn about community grants in the fall and subsequently researched and listened to about 20 episodes of a "how to" for grant writing before applying for my first grant this December.  With the principals support, I wrote a project proposal for an Earth Day event at SJS and was awarded the $2500 request!   We will use these funds towards tshirts for all the students and faculty as well as gardening equipment, gloves and some plants.   In a school with a limited budget, $2500 for a "fun" day for the kids is most certainly an accomplishment and a great way to do something extra without having to dip into funds better used for the classroom.  It was also a great reminder of the resources out there and what is possible with a little bit of commitment.

My goal is to get 2-3 more grants approved in 2020, thus generating an additional few thousand dollars without needing to ask families for anything more than they already do!   A small example of personally moving the needle for the communities that matter to us and a good way to start the year! 

39

Today I enter my 39th year.  I feel good, strong, proud about my past and hopeful for my future.  I am in a place in my life that I am happy to be and think I have been lucky, worked hard and taken chances to arrive to where I am.

Of course, I am far from perfect - I could have healthier habits, be more organized, lose some weight and those are and will always be goals to which I strive but I also believe life is good and I am good.

Going into this one feeling grateful for my heath, my strength to be a mother, my ability to do my job, be generous to those around me and provide a good and stable life.  Looking forward to the continued journey.

I've posted it before but there is no harm in saying it again...

"There's always another level up.  another ascension. more grace, more light, more generosity, more compassion, more to shed, more to grow" - Elizabeth Gilbert 

Prayerfully asking for continued peace in my life as I enter this final year of my third decade.

Year in Review - 2019

A January tradition to recount my year and reflect on all that was good and done.  Although it included the passing of my dad, it was all in all a very good year.

Travel:

2019 was the most exciting travel year I have had in a long time.  Two major trips - Banff and Spain - fulfilled decade long dreams and lived up to my very high hopes.   I'd repeat both of the trips again in a heartbeat!  In addition to major trips, the year also included a few fantastic trips in NYC, New England weekends including glamping, cross country skiing, and biking in VT,  a first time to Atlanta and the Catskills, and a fantastic trip to Colorado to visit our forever friends.   I really could not ask for more here.

Life:
Feeling the most content I've felt in years.  J is growing into such a kind, smart and enjoyable boy, I love living in Cambridge, I enjoy our neighborhood and neighbors and my relationships are centered on love and peace.  I feel grateful that I am moving towards a life with decreasing amounts of friction and wasted energy.

Unfortunately, we also said goodbye to my dad and Joe's papa.  This is the first significant death I have had to endure and while I miss him all the time and think of him several times throughout the day, every single day, his death has also given me a deeper spiritual life and I still feel intensely connected to him.  I try to live my father's legacy of generosity and kindness and in doing so, feel his love and warmth surrounding me.  Joe misses his Papa a lot but I'm glad he has such wonderful memories and they had time to forge a lasting connection.  He knows he's in Heaven and watching over us.  <3

Art:
Consistently making it to a few productions every year - 2019 included Wicked, Rent, Hello Dolly, the adaptation of Tiny Beautiful Things to theater, an Elephant & Piggy show with J, a trip to the Ogunquit Art Museum, cooking classes, wine tours and some wonderful author readings: Dani Shapiro and Elizabeth Gilbert were fantastic!

Work:
Proud of the change I've made to build a career and this year I have done well professionally and learned a lot.  I feel more and more confident in my role and am grateful to have a job that gives me appropriate levels of challenge and contribution while also offering wonderful life balance and time to work remote. 

I've also become very involved in J's school, not simply as a parent volunteer but as someone who believes in the mission and the work of Catholic schools.  Discovering this cause has been gratifying and impactful and has given me a lot of direction for doing work that matters to me.

Parenting:
J is now 7 and in 1st grade.  He is a pure delight.  Kind and empathetic, with an enormous imagination.   We had a great teacher conference and report card, his teacher tells us that he's well liked by all of his classmates and he tries hard.   As he gets older, we're finding more things to do together including riding our bikes and hiking.  He is certainly my pride and joy and not a day goes by that I'm not so grateful to be his mama. 

Spain

J spent Christmas 2019 with the Campos family in Rio so S and I jetted off to Spain for a bit.  We spent time with  family & friends in Madrid for a few days before heading off to La Rioja and San Sebastian; all new to me places!

It was insanely beautiful. The trip incorporated the prettiest vistas, Gothic churches, medieval towns, winding roads, so much jamon, the best dressed young children (I never got tired of seeing the stylish Spanish mini-fashion), oceans, mountains, vineyards, cellars, ruins, hotel room views, and all around bliss.  Until next time, Espana!

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be.  Don't think you've lost time There is no short cutting to life.  It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now.  And now is right on time."  Asha Tyson