Heading out...

Tomorrow I will leave for something completely new to me.   A solo trip.   I'm really looking forward to a brand new experience - what feeling(s) will it invoke - freedom, loneliness....   how will I choose to spend my time, what will the place be like, what energizes me the most, what is the most difficult?   It's been a hard week - uncertainty at work, J with a dental issue, disagreements with my ex....  and yet, here I am - ready to pack and head out.   As I look at the challenges I have faced and continue to face, I realize how much resistance I am building.  Things that used to make me crumble, I can now tolerate pretty calmly.   I know better how to engage and how to not --- where can I impact change and where do I only spin my wheels.   An exercise in effective use of time and energy.... a critical skill if I want to do anything that matters.

"If you're brave enough to stay with your pain - to refuse to abandon yourself during the breaking - to feel it all.... your reward eventually is a brand new life.  The newness is terrifying - and hard - and it's also the whole damn point down here.  Don't look back - we're not going that way.  That was then.  This is now.  Carry onward, warriors."  - Glennon Doyle

I'll be here.  How bad could it be?!!  :)

Greatest Hits...

Sometimes I flip back through the pages here.  It's fun to recall where I was... some of the posts put me right back to that place - the origins of this blog were from my desk at 50 Rowes Wharf, thirty years old, deciding what I want to do with my life.

Much has changed - my son (!), a divorce, a career change (with some jobs in between...), two moves - to a house, out of the house, new friends, goodbyes and on and on the great world spins.

Despite the changes, I can look back at any post and remember just who was writing it and I know exactly who she was, what she was struggling with or celebrating and the direction she was pulling in.  The winds of life have changed but I remain a dreamer, an optimist, accountable, reflective, and certainly flawed. 

On that note, I thought it would be fun to pull out a few "greatest hits" - posts from years ago that still feel as pertinent, or more, than ever before. 

October 7, 2016:  Progress through something traumatic, it's not linear.  It's not like we go from unhealthy to healthy, failure to success.  I think it's all circular.  You just come back around to the same pain, and the same loneliness.  But each time you come around you're stronger from the climb" - Glennon Doyle Menton 

October 3, 2012: "You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you’ll get to tomorrow.  Intention without action is useless." - Carolyn Myss

February 10, 2012: "Simple living is about living deliberately. Simple living is not about austerity, or frugality, or income level. It's about being fully aware of why you are living your particular life, and knowing that life is one you have chosen thoughtfully. Simple living is about designing our lives to coincide with our ideals." – Janet Luhrs, The Simple Living Guide

On March 3, 2015, I asked myself the question of what it means to thrive.  I answered: "For me, to thrive is to exist with purpose.  To pursue personal growth, authentic self acceptance and peace in both my inner and outer experience"   

A worthy and relevant pursuit. 

Little Camper

Today you went off to your first day at camp, Camp Six Acres.   Last week you were feeling a little tentative but this morning you were happily singing, packed your backpack and off we went.  You are in the youngest camper group and it was fun to see you look so "little" again.   But you met a friend before I had even talked to the counselor and the two of you went off chasing a ball... 

I continue to be amazed and inspired by the journey of being your mama.  Your 5 year old spirit, although sensitive, is brave...     And little by little you grow.  Another new friend, another new experience, another layer of confidence.

Cheers to kickball, floor hockey, popsicles, and happy sweaty summer days ~*

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.." Anais Nin 

June 21, 2018

“You do an experiment because your own philosophy makes you want to know the result. It’s too hard, and life is too short, to spend your time doing something because someone else has said it’s important. You must feel the thing yourself…” - Gary Zukav

Continuing the journey towards self-acceptance.  In it, awaits my freedom. 

Father's Day by Elizabeth Gilbert

Bookmarking this post from Elizabeth Gilbert on Father's Day.    Everything I aspire to be as a parent: unconditional love.   

In other words: The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.  Thomas Menton

Dear Ones:

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to explain the supreme beauty behind this little note that my Dad left in my home a few weeks ago.

First of all, a little about my Dad. He’s a true conservative by nature; a lifelong Republican:, a veteran; an engineer; a farmer; married to the same woman for over 50 years; was employed by the same company for his entire career; and is still living in the same house that he bought in 1973.

By contrast, please consider his daughter, me: A liberal, twice-divorced creative type; a wide-ranging spiritual seeker who regularly visits psychics and shamans; a follow-your-heart sort of gal, who announced to her family last year that she was in love with a woman; and — most of all — someone who cannot stay STILL.

By actual count, in the last 20 years I have lived in 12 different homes. (This doesn’t include places where I have “stayed”; I’m just counting the places where my name was on the actual lease or deed.)

What do you do if you are a man like my father, and you end up with a daughter like this? Well, if you are John Gilbert, you just love her. That’s it. You don’t need to understand her. You don’t need to change her. You just love her.

And when your daughter invites you to come visit the TWELFTH domicile she’s inhabited in the last two decades (a 600 square-foot apartment this time, by the way, when she used to live in a fancy five bedroom house on the top of a hill)....how do you react? Well, obviously you leave her a note at the end of your visit that says: “LOVE THE APT. THE BEST YET.”

Fathers of the world, take a lesson from my Dad: THIS is how to love your children. Because even though I am almost 50 years old, I will always be my father’s child, and the only thing I need to know is that I’m always OK in his eyes.

Thank you, Dad, for never needing me to be anything other than what I am, to earn your affection. I return the favor by loving you exactly as YOU are. Which is easy, because you are perfect.❤️ LG
(PS: And thanks for loving my apartment, Dad! I love it too)

Ghost ship

"I’ll never know and neither will you of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore...." 

One of the greatest Tiny Beautiful things letters there ever was.  

Anthony Bourdain, Rest in Peace

News of Anthony Bourdain's death by suicide arrived this morning.  My heart sank.  He has been my idol for years.  I devoured his shows and his books.  No matter how difficult my day had been, his words filled me with hope.  Of course, life above the surface can be very different than life below....

I guess today I am just grateful that he LIVED.  The work he did made such a positive impact on my life and countless others.  I'm grateful that his disease did not stop him from what he was able to produce.   I'm sad to know that he suffered so badly.   I'm sad that the world won't benefit from his gifts anymore.  I hope that he has found peace in his passing.  I hope that his loved ones understand more than we do. 

I'm also glad that I saw him a few years ago when he toured.  I'm glad that I didn't wait until next time, made an excuse, said it was too far or I didn't have a babysitter.  A reminder to seize the day.  What if tomorrow doesn't come or it comes in a different package than you planned. 

Life is rarely what it seems.  Today, like many days, I surrender to the unanswerable.

"Maybe that's enlightenment enough, to know that there is no final resting place of the mind, no moment of smug clarity.  Perhaps wisdom is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go" - Anthony Bourdain. 

My prayers for eternal peace to an amazing teacher and light to so many. 

preK graduation!

Today was your end of the year "performance" to celebrate the end of Preschool.   We had a great year at St. Joseph's!  When we started that school, we had just moved and this was the first time we were going to try our new schedule and our new family dynamic.   I'm so proud of your dad and I for managing, even when things get hard, and leading with our commitment to YOU.  More than us, I'm so proud of you - for always adjusting, for being brave, for making new friends and handling all of the changes with grace and strength.  You are stronger than you will ever know! 

So, today, we celebrated.  You were nervous - worried that you wouldn't know the songs - but we knew you'd do just great.  Guess what - they called your name and you were all smiles for the rest of the performance!!  Waving at us, thumbs up, and singing loud & proud!    A reminder that bravery isn't not feeling afraid, but it's feeling that fear and doing it anyways. 

Once they started announcing your classmates, you clapped for every.single.kid.   Your empathy and huge heart have been defining characteristics since you were a baby.  ALWAYS looking after others, concerned about them, aware of their feelings.   It is a gift that comes so easily to you. 

So, today and every day - I am once again a proud mama.  On with our journey we go!

Truth

A student once asked how he would know the Truth if he found it.  "You know the Truth, because the Truth works.  When your life works better, when drama and chaos get tiresome, and goodness and peace are your preferred companions.  When you are naturally happier, stronger and more deeply aligned with people and place, you can assume you are touching on the Truth."

Always working towards this.  more peace.

June 5, 2018

"Don't raise your kids to have more than you had, raise them to be more than you were...."


The having isn't hard.  The being is the challenge that I'm up for.

Where are the children

The immigration crisis in the US continues to be a significant humanitarian issue.   It is estimated that more than 700 children have been detained.  While immigration is an extremely complex issue, not all of these children are in detention centers, some are with family who are undocumented and therefore fearful and in hiding, there are others in detention centers far from anyone they know.  Children are children and we cannot look away from this problem. 

I was happy that Glennon Melton put together a call for us to help and in 9 hours, raised $1.4 million which will go to an organization to support the legal and social services these children otherwise would not have access to receive.  Grateful for Glennon and other leaders who make it easier for those of us who want to help. 

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” - Margaret Mead   

June 1, 2018

“Mimicking the herd invites regression to the man.” Charlie Munger



For my beloved, S.  The lessons and love were bigger than I could have imagined.