Legacy

Old friends that I haven't heard from in years have reached out with memories of my father's generosity and kindness. A childhood friend reminded me of the time he gave a homeless man $10, only to realize he had been swindled, and upon hearing the story my dad mailed him $100, reminding him to never stop being generous.   R's cousin in Brazil reminded us that my father gave him $1,000 when he was a struggling PhD student and told him to "enjoy it".    He didn't give these gifts for recognition, ego or indebtedness, they were truly selfless gifts meant for the recipient.  Maybe, he hoped, the recipient would remember how it felt to be helped in a time of need and pay it forward themselves one day.

He also had an uncle, John, the only son born among 7 to his mother's family.  My father idolized his uncle and couldn't tell a story about him without tearing up.   He didn't have children of his own so he likely had a little extra money and was quick to give it to my dad - $50 to mow the grass (in the 1950's!) and brought him to the Red Sox game on Patriot's Day every year.   My father described him as always handsomely dressed and kind.   Like my dad, he enjoyed some gambling, and in his later years he'd tell me, "I wished he lived long enough so I could take care of him.  These days, when I drive to the casino, I like to think he's in the passenger seat with me and I'd give him a few hundred to have fun."  When his uncle passed, the wake was full of people repaying his sisters for the money he had lent to them.  Times were different, people didn't have credit and to know a guy willing to lend you some money was important.  He lent it in good faith.  As he was well loved by so many, they returned the money to his unknowing sisters even upon his death.  A wonderful story that brought my father to tears every time he told it.   I'm sure he was the first person he saw when he arrived to the gates of heaven.  

"“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou 

My prayers...

Interestingly, since my dad passed - my prayers have not so much been conversations or asks of God.  My prayers have been Catholic church songs that we grew up with at mass.  We Have Been Told, Here I am Lord, One Bread one Body....

One time our cantor at mass told us when you sing you pray twice.  Maybe that explains it.  Or maybe they're just comforting.  I'm grateful for my Catholic upbringing which has been the best consolation through this difficult time.

You are Mine

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

Through grief

It has been one week since my father passed.  A long week, but a week surrounded in love and faith.  My father has not left my mind for a single waking moment but surprisingly, most of my time has been spent smiling, happy, grateful.   I spent a lot of time with my dad, especially the past few years, I was his captive audience and listened to many, many stories.  Lately, most of them were ones I'd heard before but I humored him and listened with the same attention.

I'm so grateful for that time because I truly *knew* him.  I knew his history, I knew his passions, I knew about those seemingly small moments of his life, that forever changed him.  I will try to record some here:

  - His father, a blue collar Irish american man, struggling to manage 4 children, would find solace in a bar room.  Like most of us, my father's father was flawed and that was understood by me, the audience of the story, and yet, my father didn't say too many negative things.  Instead, he talked about how hard life must have been for him.  How he had small dreams to deliver home heating oil but my grandmother was afraid of the risk.  How he loved the Lakes Region in NH and had finally made it to retirement and was looking forward to being able to spend a few weeks up there without the constant stress they had endured most of their life when he suffered a fatal heart attack.   My father, as usual, full of empathy rather than resentment.  It was so easy for him to understand how difficult someone else's life was.   When my father was a young boy, his dad returned from a bar room with some friends of his.  He lit a cigarette lighter over my dad and said "that's my boy that I've been talking about.  He's very smart!!!"   Of the four children, my father likely had the highest IQ and a bit of a gifted memory.  His own father likely recognized his intelligence and had bragged about his special son after a night of beers at the local bar.   My father told this memory many times.  For the days that forever followed that night, he wanted to make his father proud.  Sometimes he told the story as though the "pressure" worried him.  Other times, he told it with pride of his own - happy that his father saw his potential. 

Love you and missing you dad. 

Have courage for the great sorrows in life, and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake. — Victor Hugo

Rest in Peace, Dad. 4.20.19

My beloved dad died on Saturday, April 20, 2019.   We were all together at his place in Del Ray Beach, Florida having gathered to celebrate Easter weekend.   My mom, Joe and I arrived on Thursday and spent a full day with him - at the pool, getting dinner and listening and telling him stories.  My sister and her family were arriving the next day and we'd be having brunch with his brother and sister after Easter Mass.  My father was ecstatic.   So happy we were all arriving and SO.PROUD of his family.   "I can't wait for everyone in church to see my beautiful family!" he said on Thursday.

On Friday, J asked to stay with Papa while my mom and I went to the grocery store.  We returned home to find an ambulance and condo neighbors looking after Joe.  According to Joe, "Papa was sitting in a chair talking to a man and he closed his eyes."  (he had heart failure) The neighbors administered CPR and the paramedics resuscitated him but it was not enough for his already very weak heart.   We spent the next day with him in the hospital, while Uncle Ryan took care of the kids, and he passed with me, my sister, and my mom by his side.  I told him that Joseph was ok, that he just thought Papa shut his eyes, that the neighbors by the pool had taken care of him, that he wasn't scared, that he understood Papa was going to heaven....  my dad squeezed our hand, opened his eyes for the final time and passed shortly after.  He needed to know that his little matey was just fine.

I will use this space to record memories of my father...  right now they are so clear, but time will inevitably fade them.  I was so lucky.  I was so loved.  He was a one-of-a-kind father, he and I shared a special bond and I will continue to live in his image.   Rest in heavenly peace, dad.  I love you.

Mysteries, Yes

Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous

to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the

mouths of the lambs.

How rivers and stones are forever

in allegiance with gravity,

while we ourselves dream of rising.

How two hands touch and the bonds

will never be broken.

How people come, from delight or the

scars of damage,

to the comfort of a poem.

Let me keep my distance, always, from those

who think they have the answers.

Let me keep company always with those who say

“Look!” and laugh in astonishment,

and bow their heads.

—Mary Oliver

What I read: Dare to Lead

I finished the audiobook of Brene Brown's most recent work, Dare to Lead.   Having been a fan of Brene's for years, I do agree with some of the criticism that the book seems to be a recycling of ideas more than something new however, I appreciated the business context and think her fundamentals are so important to living the life I aspire to live, that hearing a refresher is not a problem for me.

One anecdote that will stay with me beyond the book is the idea of a trust being like a marble jar.  Both in the workplace, in friendships and in the home - trust is not a one-off topic or command.  "I need you to trust me" just doesn't work.  Trust is built.  Each time someone does something trustworthy - keeps your secret, asks about your day, follows up on something that is important to you - a marble goes in the jar.  Over time, these marbles build and trust is built.   When someone disappoints you, the appropriate level of marbles is removed.  Over time, you need a surplus of marbles or the relationship lacks trust.  It's simple, Brene learned it from one of her kid's elementary teachers, but its effective and easy to remember.

As usual, she had some good quotes:

I define a leader as anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes and who has the courage to develop that potential. 

If you have more than three priorities, you have no priorities. 

At the end of my life, I want to say I contributed more than I criticized. 

When we do not understand our value, we jump in where we're not strong or needed. We exaggerate importance in ways that aren't helpful. 

T - Who owns the task
A - Authority to be Accountable
S - Set up for Success
C - Checklist to accomplish

David Sedaris

Last night we saw David Sedaris live at Boston's Symphony Hall.   First, a fantastic dinner at a new (to us) South End restaurant, SRV, followed by thought provoking laughs brought to us by David Sedaris.  I've been reading and listening to David for many years.  Admittedly, he had kind of fallen off my radar screen but last night was a reminder that his storytelling is as relevant and entertaining as it ever was.   A smart, generous, gifted talent and a fantastic Wednesday night.

“I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

Simple and true

Plant your tree before you need the shade. 

What I read: Factfulness

Described by Bill Gates as one of the most important books of our time, over the weekend I completed the fantastic book, Factfulness.   While the name may not sound like a page turner, I was thoroughly enthralled.   The premise of the book is that the world is getting better - Level 1 poverty is likely to be eradicated, global disasters are decreasing and more women are being educated than ever before.   Using graphs, charts and other illustrative measures, the book clearly shows the data to back up the conclusions and more importantly, explores 10 human instincts/biases which rationalize why we often think things are worse than they are. 

I could have highlighted the whole book, as it was filled with stories and facts that I'd like to remember.  It's a book to purchase in hardcover to reference periodically when our assumptions may be getting the better of us. 

“People often call me an optimist, because I show them the enormous progress they didn't know about. That makes me angry. I'm not an optimist. That makes me sound naive. I'm a very serious “possibilist”. That’s something I made up. It means someone who neither hopes without reason, nor fears without reason, someone who constantly resists the overdramatic worldview. As a possibilist, I see all this progress, and it fills me with conviction and hope that further progress is possible. This is not optimistic. It is having a clear and reasonable idea about how things are. It is having a worldview that is constructive and useful.” - Hans Rosling, Factfulness   

Red Cottage - Followup

In 2013, I posted about Red Cottage - a vacation rental service with a stunning curation of homes.  Well, 6 years later I made it to my first property and it did NOT disappoint.   We spent the weekend in Wild Cat Mountain Cabin in Claryville, NY.   We arrived to fresh snow on the first evening which was the perfect backdrop for dinner by the roaring fire.   The next day, spring was in the air and we were able to enjoy lunch al fresco on the deck, a walk through the stunning private property grounds and plenty of reading, lounging and an evening Netflix binge.  On Sunday, a lazy morning with breakfast views, a scenic drive and lunch and browsing in quaint Woodstock. 

The cottage was perfectly soulful & charming - completely exceeding our expectations.  Before the weekend was over we had surrendered ourselves fully to the magic of the Catskill Mountains ~

Only way

Gratitude is a central value for me.  I have been blessed to a wonderful life - born in the USA in the 20th century, arrived to healthy and capable parents, not crippled by disease or other hardship.  Life has not been perfect but life is exceptionally good.

Through more frustrating moments - difficult jobs, a divorce - I have tried to see the lesson available to me and not recreate the same patterns.   By learning from difficulty, those moments, too, become opportunities for which you can feel grateful should your mind wish to view them as such. 

The research undeniably supports a gratitude practice as a foundational element of joy.  Brene Brown says, "In my 12 years of research on 11,000 pieces of data, I did not interview one person who had described themselves as joyful, who also did not actively practice gratitude."  With that, J and I try to think of a few "thank you's" in our bedtime prayers, we say them out loud and it's become a part of our bedtime routine that I'm really glad we share.

Here's another good one, via Swissmiss

“My predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved. I have been given much and I have given something in return. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.”— Oliver Sacks

ATL

Returned home from a fun southern weekend.   We strolled, shopped and enjoyed a beautiful spring day.   Sunday wasn't as warm but we were inside at Ponce Market Shops - a beautifully renovated 1900's Sears building with a great food hall, plenty of bars and good shopping!   I highly recommend it if you're visiting Atlanta.

Aside from that, there was a fantastic French bistro, southern comfort food, people watching and R&R using the hotel facilities.   A perfect weekend away.