Vertical Garden

Found in Paris, created by botanist Patrick Blanc, makes me wonder what else might the future hold. 

Kindness

My dad loved the casino.  Craps was his game of choice and he would take the ride to Mohegan Sun or Foxwoods once or twice a week.  Sometimes my mom would join, sometimes he was just passing the time, sometimes, undoubtedly, he was looking for a bit of a gamblers high.  But what he loved most was winning small - $100 or $200 and he was done.  He recorded all of his visits and his wins and losses on handwritten legal pads.  He liked to feel like he was in a battle with the casino and the reason he most liked to win was to give away that little bit of pocket money.   

Over the weekend, I stopped into the local Dunkin Donuts to grab an ice coffee before our trip to the zoo.  A gentle older man was chitchatting - asking about where I was from etc.  He said he had plans to mow a few lawns that day.  I don't know more about him than that but I bought his coffee and donut.  Just a small act of shared humanity - saying to someone, I see you.  Maybe this brightens your day. The world is a good place.   My parents raised me well.   

It's small acts that make my dad live eternally in my heart.  I feel his presence so definitively that sometimes it's strange.  I am more certain than anything that he is not gone.  He lives through us all and it's an honor and privilege to carry forward his kindness.  

The weekend

We took our first trip to the Southwick Zoo - a fantastic spot with lots of cool animals in a well kept natural setting.   Because it was a long weekend, we stayed over at a Marriott not far from the zoo so you could have the chance to do some swimming - which you love!   You swam at night and we ate dinner on the patio by the pool and in the morning you swam again.   We returned home to two fun filled days with our Linea neighbors - we crammed 5 of you into your bedroom for some lego building, you all did a "carwash" of the toy vehicles and you made "animal soup" - filled with mud, flowers, dirt and more mud. 

All in all it was a perfect Memorial Day Weekend.  We started this week with a sort of "summertime" tiredness and a messy house.   If a good life is a collection of happy moments, this weekend we certainly added those to our account. 

Wednesday

I used to read a lot of blogs but these days I only frequent two - Cup of Jo and SwissMiss.  Today on Cup of Jo, she asks readers what makes you come alive?   and ends with these words from wonderful Mary Oliver: 

“Instructions for living a life.

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.”

It's a great prompt for a beautiful Wednesday morning.    A few things off the top of my head: 

- low humidity 70 degree days

- feeling understood 

- ice cream 

- a tranquil lake
- unexplored bookstores

- having a trip planned

- learning something new 

- helping someone in need
- clean sheets
- a redemption story
- listening to a good interview
- J's cuddles and wonderful observations of the world around him (the other day as we were heading to school he said, "mama, i love when the birds are singing")

(on that note: a trip to Banff is booked for early July.  Yippee!) 

Southern Maine weekend

I've been a fan of southern Maine for a long time.  The rocky coast line, charming towns and good dining options.  This weekend we explored Cape Elizabeth, Portland, and Ogunquit - stopping into the Ogunquit Art Museum for the first time, looking at real estate just for fun and lots of walking, talking and people watching.   The weather was beautiful, the sea was beautiful and the weekend was fantastic.

“I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.” - E.B. White, Charlotte Web author and Maine resident and admirer.    

IMPACT breakfast

My morning started out with a Life Science Cares IMPACT breakfast.  I am on the council for this organization which pools talent, money and resources of the life science greater Boston community to help non-profit partners throughout the year.   I have volunteered to clean up for Camp Harborview on the Boston Harbor Islands, lead a group of volunteers at Christmas in the City and collected winter clothing and books for charities in need via LSC.   This morning at their annual breakfast we heard from a Syrian refugee who was resettled with her family thanks to a local non-profit, students from low-income families who have been placed in life science internships as a result of LSC and a recovering addict who is three years sober and has found steady employment thanks to one of the partners of LSC. 

I am proud to be engaged with this impactful organization and I thought of my dad for most of the morning.  I would have gone to their house tonight and told him all about it.  He would have teared up hearing the triumphant stories and been so proud that I was involved.  But rather than be sad, I am glad that I inherited this spirit of generosity from him.  It brings me joy to do good and I am filled with excitement about how I will continue a life of service and goodwill. 

If you want to make a stand, help others make a stand, and if you want to reach your goal, help others reach their goal. Consider yourself and treat others accordingly: this is the method of humanity. ~ Confucius

style crush :)

Fashion Jackson - if I could dress like anyone it would be her. 

Beautiful

“Avoid providing material for the drama that is always stretched tight between parents and children; it uses up much of the children’s strength and wastes the love of the elders, which acts and warms even if it doesn’t comprehend. Don’t ask for advice from them and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is strength and blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” - Rainer Marie Rilke 

Mother's Day 2019

It was a wonderful Mother's Day weekend.  J and I attended a school fundraiser on Friday night.  His little school community is really full of nice children and families and it was fun to get together in a social setting for a casual evening.  On Saturday, I took my first flower arranging class with a friend while her husband kindly watched J and the kids.  It was so interesting to learn a bit more about the art of flower arranging and I am totally pleased with my final result!  I'm looking forward to doing more and really think of it as an artform that I can enjoy and find relaxing with something beautiful to enjoy after you're done.   Note: Quicksand Roses - the mauve colored roses are stunning, affordable and long lasting.  Take off the guard pedals and you can open them to fill in your arrangement. 
On Sunday, J and I relaxed in the morning and visited Grammy for Chinese food for dinner.  It was an easy day and my heart was full of gratitude for the blessing of being a mom.  It really is the integral part of my existence and raising J is the opportunity of my lifetime... 

I love to post something a reflection I read on Mother's Day, so here is one from 2019: Compliments of Elizabeth Gilbert.   A relationship with a mother is very complicated but recently I've tried to come at it more from a place of love, forgiveness and acceptance.  When we can see our parents were doing the best they could, life becomes a little lighter and a little easier for everyone.

Recently I was at a conference where the question was asked, “HOW MANY OF YOU ARE AFRAID OF TURNING INTO YOUR MOTHER?” Nearly everyone in the room stood up.

This made my heart ache.

My heart ached not only for the people in the room—who were all beautiful, creative, imaginative, and wonderful human beings. It made my heart hurt for their mothers—who will never stop being judged as failures.

Because, my God, we never stop blaming the mothers, do we? How many years, how many dollars, how much energy have we all spent as a culture, talking about how mothers have failed us?

What I want to say today is: Can we take a break—just for one day —and show some mercy to the mothers? Because being a mother is impossible. I don’t mean that it’s difficult. I mean: IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

What we, as a culture, expect from our mothers is merely that they not be human. Mothers are meant to be some combination of Mother Mary, Mother Theresa, Superwoman, and Gaia. It’s a merciless standard of perfection. Merciless!

God help your mother, if she ever fell short. God help your mother, if she was exhausted & overwhelmed. God help her if she didn’t understand her kids. God help her if she no gift for raising children. God help her if she had desires and longings. God help her if she was ever terrified, suicidal, hopeless, bored, confused, furious. God help her if life had disappointed her. God help her if she had an addiction, or a mental illness. God help her if she ever broke down. God help her, if couldn’t control her rage. God help her, because if she fucked up in any way, she will be forever branded: BAD MOTHER. And we will never forgive her for this.

So this is my question: Can we take a break today from judging the mothers, and show them mercy, instead?

This doesn’t mean that what happened to you at the hands of your mother was OK. This doesn’t mean that your pain is not real...it just means that maybe her pain was real, too.

And if you are yourself a mother, and you never stop judging yourself for how you are failing...can you let it go for one day? Just for one day, can you drop the knife that you are holding to your own throat? Mercy. Just for one day. Let us find mercy.

Mercy on you.
Mercy on everyone. 

Mercy on the mothers.

And my flowers: 

Letting go

Around December or January, each year on this blog I try to jot down some things I did in the previous year which I'm proud of - I include travel, art, family...   I'm grateful for that exercise as I think it's important that we pause and say "I'm doing well" instead of our habit of thinking of all the stones we have yet to turn.

In that spirit, a simple reflection for a Thursday morning.  The year of my divorce was undoubtedly the hardest of my life.  The emotions that surrounded it were so consuming and affected everything about life as I knew it.  First and foremost, I worried about J.  Would we be able to create something post-divorce, that would be stable, friendly, and healthy.   Where would we live?   How would people respond to this new family unit.   I worried about myself - I had never even lived alone and my spouse had been my partner for 15 years.  Prior to him, there were my friends, college roommates and family.  What did alone feel like?  What would I do?   There was angst about potential relationships - would I be alone forever, did I have confidence to pick a more suitable partner this time, were people trustworthy, was I capable of loving again. 

All of these questions and so many more, gave me stomach aches and anxiety.  and yet, I did the only thing there was to do... go through it.  Not around it and not avoiding it - I lived the pain, the tears, the anger, the grief.... and came out on the other side.   The person who emerged is not the same as the person who started.  The person I am today is stronger, more confident, more empathetic and more sure of myself.  I have done something immensely difficult and not only survived, I am thriving.   I have not been limited by my divorce, instead I have risen higher than I ever would have anticipated at the time. 

The reason that I write about it here, now, is I have thought a lot about it in the wake of my father's death.  My divorce taught me a valuable lesson in impermanence and resilience.  Everything, our parents, our children, our jobs, ourselves, is in constant motion.  Developing a center that can stay grounded despite the hurricanes of life, is a spiritual practice and one of the most critical gifts we can give ourselves. 

Only by breaking open, can we become what we want to be.  Only by gracefully accepting life on its terms, many of which we have no control, can we build strength, wisdom and fearlessness. 

“Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.” Tony Schwartz

Simple Fish

More fruits, more vegetables, less junk, less sugar, more fish....  Let's see how I do. 

Jotting down a few easy meals here so I can remember them for another time: 

 - Smoked salmon over toast with Whole foods guacamole, microgreens and tomato.  Looks more elegant than it is.  

 - Eataly stuffed branzinho.  Roast it in the oven and it's fantastic and simple. 

 - Haddock topped with olive oil, lemon and garlic - wrapped in parchment paper and baked. 

Everything pairs perfectly with a side salad of any green (arugula, spinach, kale) with pine nuts and cranberries.   Cheers to heart health.  

My dad's eulogy

My mother and I each gave a eulogy at my father's funeral on Saturday.  I have never been comfortable public speaking and when a friend has asked me to do a reading at a wedding, I do my best to politely decline...  but for my dad - I felt he deserved to be honored in this way.

My father was not a simple man.  He was full of love and goodness but he faced his own struggles and share of dark nights.  And yet, through the hardest time of my life - he was the family member who stood bravely at my side.  I will never forget the love that he exhibited those days and what it felt to be so unconditionally loved.   For that and for 38 years of trying to lead by his own living example, I was honored to write and read his eulogy.

Thank you for coming.  I am Mary, Paul’s youngest child and mom to Joe, lovingly known to Papa as “matey”.    We are all at a loss for the right words to use to describe my father.  He was one-of-a-kind, overwhelmingly empathetic, and certainly eclectic.   He had a memory unlike anyone I’ve ever known – could recall dates, names and details with perfect accuracy and without hesitation.  I believe that’s because he was blessed with a great amount of intellect but also because he so GENUINELY cared about everyone and every story he heard.   For the past few years, I’ve been spending Monday evenings with my parents. They would pick up my son from school and I would join for dinner.  During those weekly dinners, my dad loved to tell me stories – moving from Charlestown to Medford as children, his paper route, his beloved uncle who dressed so dapper and  took him to Red Sox games, playing dice or poker with his friends after school, and eventually meeting my mother – the person to whom he credits as, “the best decision of my life”.  

We could go on and on with tales of his generosity, many of you sitting here today have likely been a recipient of my father’s surprise cash gestures or helping hand.   His long time employees at the Loft reminded us of the annual Christmas gifts they would receive from him, I easily recall my father sitting at the kitchen table writing each member of the kitchen staff a handwritten note.  As many of them were from the Dominican Republic, he would say “Feliz Navidad”, a nod to their shared humanity and his own expression of equality and goodness.  They loved him so much they once gave him a plaque recognizing him as an “Honorary Dominican” ….. if you know my dad, you know he didn’t exactly look very Dominican 😊    Similar stories have come from our family and loved ones in Brazil.  My father opened the door for his new in-laws and extended family with a love and graciousness that cannot be explained but will never be forgotten.   His living lessons of love, kindness, and inclusion have left an indelible impression on me and by the turnout yesterday and here today, my guess is many of you.  

But my dad’s greatest gift to me wasn’t his generosity or even his stead-fast love, my father’s greatest gift to me was his unwavering faith in his Catholicism and belief in the hereafter.  When I was saddened by someone’s passing, he would comfortingly say, “Mare, God called them home.”   I have carried my father’s gift of faith with me through the years but never so much as during his passing and through the days that have followed.  It has been a true gift and one that has given me so much comfort.  He wouldn’t want us to be sad.  He’d be smiling his big smile, proud of his family for putting this beautiful day together, reminding us that we are Christians and we BELIEVE.

My dad made it perfectly clear how overwhelmingly PROUD he was of his family, I hope he always felt, and will continue to feel, how PROUD I am that he is my Dad.    

Eternal Peace

Today we begin the services for my dad.  A wake tonight and the funeral tomorrow.   That will conclude the formal part of his passing and slowly life will regain normalcy and people will carry on.  But for me and my family, we'll be thinking of him every day always remembering his funny stories and useful advice.   

Yesterday I set up a Go Fund Me page in his memory.  Rather than flowers, we thought we could ask for donations to his school which is now J's school.  The school will use the funds raised in his name to help students whose families may need help with miscellaneous costs such as field trips or technology fees.  If there's enough, I'd also like to see it go to the teachers - so they can buy some useful things for their classrooms.  They give so much to the students and earn so little.   He would love that and I can feel him beaming with pride as a family that needs a little relief is offered it in his name.  I also chuckled at the Go Fund Me page.  He would remind me, as he had a few times, "Mare, you were born in '81 - that makes you the first year of the Millennial Generation!"   He was born in 1946, the first year of the Baby Boomers.  ...he would likely go on to tell me about an article he read about the founder of Go Fund Me.   He never lacked information!!!  

So, today we formally say goodbye.  But he is never gone.   I'm reminded of this picture that my brother in law took from my dad's place while we were in the hospital on his last night.  Likely the exact time he passed.   I call it, ascension into heaven.   Rest in eternal and heavenly peace, dad.  I love you so much. 

Say not in grief that he is no more

but say in thankfulness that he was

A death is not the extinguishing of a light,

but the putting out of the lamp

because the dawn has come.

Rabindranath Tagore

Way of life

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style”   Maya Angelou

(My dad, 4th grade) 

This pic just makes me smile and the words so fittingly true. 

Miss me but let me go

Miss Me but Let Me Go
Betty Miller

When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in gloom-filled rooms,
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low;
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey that we all must take,
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
And busy your sorrows in doing good deeds,
Miss me but let me go.

(via Terrain)