Around December or January, each year on this blog I try to jot down some things I did in the previous year which I'm proud of - I include travel, art, family... I'm grateful for that exercise as I think it's important that we pause and say "I'm doing well" instead of our habit of thinking of all the stones we have yet to turn.
In that spirit, a simple reflection for a Thursday morning. The year of my divorce was undoubtedly the hardest of my life. The emotions that surrounded it were so consuming and affected everything about life as I knew it. First and foremost, I worried about J. Would we be able to create something post-divorce, that would be stable, friendly, and healthy. Where would we live? How would people respond to this new family unit. I worried about myself - I had never even lived alone and my spouse had been my partner for 15 years. Prior to him, there were my friends, college roommates and family. What did alone feel like? What would I do? There was angst about potential relationships - would I be alone forever, did I have confidence to pick a more suitable partner this time, were people trustworthy, was I capable of loving again.
All of these questions and so many more, gave me stomach aches and anxiety. and yet, I did the only thing there was to do... go through it. Not around it and not avoiding it - I lived the pain, the tears, the anger, the grief.... and came out on the other side. The person who emerged is not the same as the person who started. The person I am today is stronger, more confident, more empathetic and more sure of myself. I have done something immensely difficult and not only survived, I am thriving. I have not been limited by my divorce, instead I have risen higher than I ever would have anticipated at the time.
The reason that I write about it here, now, is I have thought a lot about it in the wake of my father's death. My divorce taught me a valuable lesson in impermanence and resilience. Everything, our parents, our children, our jobs, ourselves, is in constant motion. Developing a center that can stay grounded despite the hurricanes of life, is a spiritual practice and one of the most critical gifts we can give ourselves.
Only by breaking open, can we become what we want to be. Only by gracefully accepting life on its terms, many of which we have no control, can we build strength, wisdom and fearlessness.
