In the hospital

When my dad passed away, we were in Florida.  My mom, my sister, her husband, my father's sister,  Joseph and my nieces.  It was truly amazing that we were all there as we're hardly ever all together.  We arrived at the hospital around noon on Friday and he passed around 7pm on Saturday night.  I won't forget those days.  To write them now and realize that it was less than 48 hours seems impossible.  They were so deeply intense.  The unknowing.  All of us being in an unfamiliar place (Del Ray Beach, Florida).  The kids who did so well in such an odd setting.  How would we tell them?  What would they understand?    I had never witnessed a death before.  It was peaceful.  I'm so grateful that we were all together.  I'm so happy he was surrounded by such love. 

One thing that I hope always stays with me but I'm writing it here as many people have encouraged me to record memories so they are not forgotten is when my aunt, his sister, said "Your dad could love like the Lord himself".   Her words stopped me.  I have not forgotten them.   What did it mean, I have thought to myself.   I believe it meant that he could love strongly, boldly, unconditionally.   He didn't need approval, he didn't demand his agenda be met, he didn't give to receive.   At his best, my father could love like God himself.  Protective, warm, safe. 

I feel engulfed by his love since the day he passed away.  It is a sensation that is equally impossible to describe and undeniable.   His love, God's love, the universe, the One, the eternal....  Somewhere, somehow there has been goodness all encompassing since he left this mortal earth. 

I still find myself listening to music from my childhood masses.  It comforts me.  And makes me feel like he's by my side.  Prayer, I suppose.   The special language that has come to me since his death that makes me feel immediately close to him.   Missing you, dad. 

[Chorus]
Yahweh, I know you are near
Standing always at my side
You guard me from the foe
And you lead me in ways everlasting

Lord, you have searched my heart
And you know when I sit and when I stand
Your hand is upon me
Protecting me from death
Keeping me from harm

Where can I run from your love?
If I climb to the heavens you are there
If I fly to the sunrise
Or sail beyond the sea
Still I’d find you there

Marvelous to me are your works
How profound are your thoughts, my Lord
Even if I could count them
They number as the stars
You would still be there