On Marriage

In honor of celebrating our five year anniversary tomorrow (!!) here are a few things that I've learned along the way.  Let me preface by saying I am no means an expert.  This is just what I've gathered through my own relationship's successes and failures as well as some individual soul searching.

1) Future. When choosing a partner, I think a good conversation to have is to ask where you see yourself down the road.  Ten years from today, twenty years from today, forty years from today. Sure, life isn't as cut and dry as that but choosing a partner that has a similar vision for their own future is important.  When times get tough, it is helpful for me to remember - we want the same things.  We are on the same team.  Without those shared goals, the tendency is to feel isolated and misunderstood and those feelings can quickly multiply into a host of other issues.
2) Equal. This isn't an issue of who makes more money, who does more around the house, who spends more time with the kids --- this is an issue of fairness. No person is so above any other person that they are entitled to enjoy their life any more than someone else.
3) Magnetic.  I believe in the Law of Attraction. I believe you get back what you give.  Treat your partner the way you want to be treated, speak the way you want to be spoken to, listen the way you want to be heard. Words are cheap, promises are easy... I value action. When I'm acting neurotic, anxious and insecure that's what I get from my relationship. When I'm calm, content and open minded, I get the same back to me.
4) Perfection.  He's not perfect and neither are you.  Choose your battles carefully.  Focus on what matters and forget what doesn't.  I repeat, he's not perfect and neither are you.
5) Battles. Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.  It has taught me so much about myself and what I am truly capable of enduring.  Let go of any thought of, "I will never tolerate ____"  "I would never do ____" "If this happened to me, I would do ____"  Just let it go.  Things you never expect will happen and you will surprise yourself by how you react.  Marriage is so complicated and there are just so many dimensions.  Going into it with some preconceived hard-nosed "rule book" of what you will/won't do is laughable.
6) It's Personal.  On the same note, marriage is insanely personal.  Because it works for you, doesn't mean it works for everyone.  Because it works for everyone, doesn't mean it works for you.  Stop comparing. Don't ask for so many opinions.  Just keep chipping away towards a relationship that fulfills you and your partner.
7) You. Take responsibility for your own happiness.  It is not your spouses role to make you content.  Sure, they should undoubtedly be a happy compliment to your life but it is your life and only you can make it the best one for you.  Blaming your spouse for a job you're dissatisfied with, resenting them for a life you wish you had --- is bogus and an easy scapegoat for your own fears and hesitation. Go For It!  

Conclusion, I don't think marriage is for everyone.  I have more respect for people who have the strength to recognize that their partner isn't a compliment to their life and are willing to let it go, than those that stay in an unfulfilled status quo.  I also think the right marriage can be an absolutely amazing gift, and like most things, the greatest risk has given me the greatest reward.  There is nothing I am more proud of, there is nothing that brings me more joy, there is nothing that matters more to me in my life than my relationship.  We will continue to learn, we will continue to struggle, and hopefully we will continue to have dance parties in our kitchen. Happy Anniversary, amor de minha vida. 

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